Catching up

I miss this feeling; the feeling of taking my own sweet time, writing, pondering. With playlist of my favourite songs in the background (though I have to admit having background songs can easily get your mind drifted, I have to keep my mind on track over again but I don't mind because I have a lot of time to kill now).

Now let's catch up from where we left off.

I finished my med school

And I am also a wife now!

However we are in a long distance relationship at the moment until early next year. That's about 6 months to go. Words cannot sum up how I feel. But yeah, we're coping thanks to technology. But nothing feels as good as having your loved one next to you.

By finishing med school, that also means I am jobless right now. There are a lot of procedures to settle before getting a placement (with rumour about overproduction of med school graduates) I don't know how long the process will take.

It has been about 2 months plus a few weeks after I finished undergrad. I spent a month preparing for my wedding, and the next for honeymoon; the only honeymoon before being a long distance couple.

It doesn't feel so right being a couch potato the whole time, scrolling down social medias. Now that I have plenty of time, I thought why not try to write a little. Just to past time. Okay fine, blog is also a type of social media, but writing used to be my passion, So I'm trying to dig whatever that's left of that.

Wish me luck!

Some things have changed

Yesterday I had a conversation with a close friend. I asked her whether she thought I’ve changed. She smiled and looked at me. she always takes extra time to voice out opinions (especially if it’s about me!), but instead of nagging her, I paused and continued talking.

-          Don’t you think we haven’t been talking much to each other lately?

She smiled again, this time agreeing. I knew she was not gonna say anything at this point anyway.

For the past months all we had was minimal conversation, saying hi to each other and continued being busy. I used to have long heart-to-heart session with her and all ended up with teary eyes. I had a real tough time a few years back and she always listen.

We’re good now, it’s just that we’ve stopped talking like how we used to. I came to think whether it’s because I am way happier now or the fact that I already found my significant other (and spending more time with him).

But no. I guess it’s just me.

Because being emotionally involved in anything is tiring. And we both know how consumed I am especially when I started to talk about what I feel. I’m exhausted of overthinking and my eyes are weary of crying. So I’m taking a break. Taking my own time. Alone.

That was what I told her. And she smiled again.

She always listens.

Soul searching

Apart from reading, writing is something I consider very close to me. Buy sadly I can hardly find time for both now. I remember back in high school, back in the old days where entertainment was very limited (I enrolled a boarding school in a small but decent town down south) I would borrow books from our school library back to back every 3 days. I kinda literally read every novels exist in the library, regardless of genre and author. Because with such a limited access to printed materials, you need to make do with whatever you have. But still, I enjoyed every page. I remember screaming along reading the suspense and panicky plot, sob when it comes to farewell and goodbyes or death, laugh hard my tummy hurts for its humour, and even scared to go to the bathroom alone at 3 o'clock in the morning, for what I read really gets into me. I was emotional and so attached to every books I read. Well this was 10 years back we're talking about. I miss those feelings; where we can escape anywhere we want by just reading, we can have wild imaginations without boundaries by just reading. I still do now actually; that when I read, I became too engrossed that I forgot everything else around me. But this feeling does not come too often now. It's multifactorial really. But I couldn't figure exactly what. Maybe because I was too busy that I rarely read, or the beeping smartphone kept bugging me and inhibit me from reaching emotional orgasm, or I was simply lost. I've been losing myself that I am struggling to collect back memories of what used to be me.

Writing, on the other hand, is no doubt very me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at things I only write when I'm at my lowest, or when I'm in love (but let's stick to the former). Because I am such a lazy bum to do intellectual writing where you need to do research a lot and be analytical about it before writing about your opinion on stuff. I am more of a soul writer (if that term ever exist) yes I write for the soul. My soul and everybody else whoever feels connected to my pieces. Maybe that's why I don't (or can't) write too often; because these inspiration don't come often. It usually comes at 3 o'clock in the morning (that's already twice 3 o'clock in the same writing) where I usually was already knocked unconscious in my deep sleep. Or when the inspiration came, it's when I have a few hours left before submitting assignments or when I'm on the verge of a very important exams.

Soul searching is a continuous struggle whether you realize it or not. We all might get distracted with our everyday routines, but at one point we will all ponder on the same thing over and over again. Who am I? Who I wanna be? Am I happy doing what I'm doing?

And my soul searching journey continues.
Good luck with yours!

Back to December

December comes with a lot of chills in it
I can't explain why

Maybe because the countdown to New Year starts now
And we will all leave this year behind with every memories
Yes another year of memories

Maybe because it's the time of the year when we will start reflecting
About what we have done
Where we have gone to
Who we have met
Who came in and walked out
And who came in to stay

What we have become

Maybe because we will become another year older
And with that we are bound to never before obligations

Maybe because it's winter
Yes. Winter gives you chills

Chills and coldness.
Cold.

Maybe because we are getting cold
This cold December brings the solemnness out of us

And so we are solemn at our best

Again

I don't know what I'm feeling right now
I just don't

I am feelingless
I am weightless that I float

My mind is empty
My sight goes beyond walls and crowds
Silence is deafening that my senses are numb
Voices and sounds are no longer awakening
They make me shiver instead

I am terrified
I am haunted by what I am not certain of

This breath is deep and heaving
This chest is heavy and sinking
I might as well just give in
I will fall
Again

Common sense VS freedom of action

Salam and hi!

Talking about common sense could be damned baffling sometimes. Because everybody has different standard to what common sense means to them. Though I would say definition of common sense depends of what kind of mentality you have. I will leave that for you to ponder.

While some people has different opinion as to what is common sense and what is freedom of action or individual rights, let's get very basic as to what is lack of common sense. Believe me they are all around you (if you yourself are not).

1. The room is filled with bright sunlight and some people still choose to switch on the light (does not apply if it's out of your control, centralized switch control for instance)

2. Talking loudly (or making noise) next to someone who is sleeping

3. Talking loudly (or making noise) near to someone who is performing salah

4. (Ever so common) do-not-use-signals-on-road attitude

5. Ordering menus at a restaurant in a rude manner and lack of respect to people just because she's a waitress

6. Waitress who thinks customers cannot always be right and does not even smile while taking orders

7. Walking in a big group in the hallway with a damned slow speed and blocking ways for other people who apparently walk faster

8. Do not smile while saying thank you

9. Do not say thank you at all

10. Squatting on a sitting toilet bowl at a public toilet!

And of course the many other example.

If you did any one above so very often but most of the time you forgot that it is suppose to be a common sense or you did not notice other people are badly affected with your lack of common sense, it's time to self-reflect Ma'am/Sir.

Footnotes.

I would say scrolling down smartphones while being at a dining table is lack of common sense. But people with smartphones would state otherwise. Apparently it's what they call lifestyle.

Again with the smartphone issue.

Next time I smile to you, please smile back and mean it

Salam and hi!

So near yet so far. This is something literally and figuratively. Imagine being side by side to someone (or even talking to them) yet you still do not feel connected. What have gone wrong? Sometimes it's nothing personal but you just cannot reach their heart and they cannot reach yours. 

Believe me I have asked myself this for ages.

I don't always get to look at people in the eyes and talk to them or smile. But I have tried a lot of times. Just because I want to spent a very short moment even if it was only for a few seconds that there's only us and let's forget about everybody else around. For that few seconds I would give my most genuine smile and waiting for them to smile back.

There are always two reactions.

1. Those who will smile back right away but ask why

2. Those who will smile hesitantly and make weird face and ask why

And I will always answer 'nothing, I just wanna smile to you'. Then there's another two reactions.

1. Those who will continue smiling

2. Those who will say 'oookaayyyy' and continue an awkward smile

Touching hearts is not easy. How often do you feel connected to someone by just looking at them in the eyes? Or by just holding their hands for a few seconds or by talking to them.

Did you mean what you said? Did you mean what you did? Did you mean how you felt?

I wanna mean what I said. I wanna mean what I did. I wanna mean how I felt.

And exactly what I've been trying to do.

Nevertheless sometimes I just gave up on some people. Those who continuously checking up their smartphone while talking to me. Those who do not even bother to look at me in the eyes while talking to me. Those who do not put their whole heart into words they said.

So from that day and onwards I treated them the same way. Sometimes I do try to fix things but there are times when some things have gone too far that you can't get them back. Some things are just badly broken that you can't do anything to fix it. Some things just do not want to be fixed!

I did not gave up on you. You gave up up on me first.

I am aware myself needs fixing too. I need more hearts to touch and I wish more will touch mine. I want heart connection.

Footnotes.

Maybe I still have issues with those who abuse smartphones and become ignorant.

Mind your manner

Salam and hi!

I am never good with crowd. Not good with loud places, or people. I am not a loud person myself. Even so, there are things you can tolerate and there are things that you just can't.

My point about cannot tolerating people being too loud however does not revolve around being loud per se. But it's when the manner itself compromised common courtesy.

Imagine a group of girls dining in at a regular kedai makan, family restaurant, fastfood restaurant or even at their very own faculty cafe. Girls are being girls. They chitchat they laugh. Perhaps sometimes (if not all the time) they laugh a little too loud (or F-ing too loud) that many find them disturbing.

1. It's a public place yes but public place does not equal to you-can-make-noises-freely place

2. If your intention is to draw attention of the opposite gender, please know that hysteric kind of laugh is a major turn off

3. If your intention is to show off to other people you have a group of crazy and fun friends to hangout with, please know that lack of public respect and common sense is not something to be proud of

4. If you do not have neither number 2 nor 3 above, please work on your common sense and manner

5. It is so wrong to see females who preach about religion a lot acting the opposite instead (read:being disrespectful)

Footnotes.

If I could, I would choose to not sit at the same table. It's embarrassing to not have basic manners.

Give a damn

Salam and hi!

Trying to start writing again and trying to be myself as much as I could are two different things. And these two different things are so hard to do, be it in the same occasion or even if it's mutually exclusive.

I started writing diary since I was 9 and I find it thrilling to have one secret book and write anything you want in it. How you feel, what you wanna do. When I was younger, I want to keep the book all to myself. I would rather die than having anybody at all reading my diary. But as I grow older, I have this feeling that I wish I can share what I wrote about.

I don't know, probably because the burden of being an adult is that proportionally with age our problems get bigger too. That you can no longer keep them all to yourself. Only the problem about sharing problem with people is the mutual interest. You can't just walk up to someone and expect them to accept you and your problems. So I stick to writing. Instead of just writing a diary, maybe I should make a post or two about how I feel. Having in mind if anybody at all does care, (s)he will read them and know.

Then came this dilemma. Can I just write about how I feel, writing freely and laying the broken me in the form of words and let people read it. Is that the right thing to do? Still. Not many would understand.

[typing and deleting many many times]

I still need to get used to start writing and being myself.

Footnotes.

Talking to people about your problems has greater impact than just write and hoping people would read (painful truth is that nobody gives a damn). That if you need help, I'm afraid the latter will further break your heart (at least it is in my case).

Amount of speech not congruent to the thought

Salam and hi!

What makes you who you are today? It's multifactorial. What you have gone through since the day you were born until the day you're still breathing today, everything must have taught you lessons; lesson of life.

These lessons of life are often informal, it comes spontaneously, unexpectedly. Which in some cases, if one failed to learn it'll just pass as another annoying or frustrating event of life. And the perk of experiencing be it the good, the bad or the ugly occasions is that it makes your life dynamic. It changes how you think, how you treat people, how you see things, how you would respond to the same thing differently or even how to overcome new things.

Apart of what I have gone through, my decisions of who or what I wanna be too, became what made me who I am.

There are (or were I am not sure) three main personal factors that make me who I am. That if I have all three, I can proudly say I am being myself, I'm not being someone else and this is me.

The me who thinks and be thoughtful

The me who is able to talk about her thoughts

The me who is able to write about her thoughts

Honestly, I will naturally think a lot. I guess this is nothing new, we all do. And I love to talk (originally) and I love to write. Talking about the dynamics of life affected by all the experiences you gone through and decisions you made (in this case what I've gone through and what I made) I find as if it's better for me to not talk and to restrict my writing (which later I find it wrong).

Since I've explained the reason why I stopped writing in my previous two post, this post will reveal why I decide to stop public speaking and talking to other people as in general.

I used to be a debater and I enjoyed my years as one. I started as early as when I was 14 and it lasted throughout high school, pre-university and the first two years of MBBS. Later I find my interest changed. I decided to stop debating for a lot of complicated reasons.

1. Joining tournaments consumed a lot of my days. Some days I had to miss one whole week of lectures

2. I am not really a bright student and I feel bad for myself for skipping lectures

3. I am the only one in the whole class (of 57 students) who joined the English debate team (we have Arabic and Malay debaters though but I guess they don't have as many tournament). Things get hard if you don't have people with the same interest especially when you need to skip a lot of classes

4. Being the only debater in class also means I don't have anyone to practice with. Number one because majority of my classmates do not speak English as communication medium extensively and number two because I don't really have friends

5. Having no friends adds up to the stress of not having moral and mental supports everytime I'm joining tournaments

6. Lack of practice made my debating skill rusty. Rusty debate skill made me feel intimidated to join more tournaments

7. And the vicious cycle starts and continues

Hence bring me to a decision to stop debating. Which is sad. Stopped debating also means losing the only talking friends I probably have. Next thing I figured, I've stopped talking and giving speech in a drastic manner.

Thinking and talking is closely interrelated. You talk about what you think about. Whilst talking makes your brain keeps working and processing about what you should speak next. This cycle is what makes you speech fluent. That's why practice is very important for public speaking. As my public speaking activity ceased and what more not having regular friends to talk to even in regular basis, I feel as if my brain is dying!

Not being able to do what you love is indeed frustrating and sad. And in this case, it is not based on my personal decision primarily, but rather after taking into account and considering a few other factors. My confidence level is deteriorating these days.

And that's how I've lost the me I was. I'm hoping I can find her soon.

Footnotes.

Being in places that don't make you feel belonged sometimes makes you wonder are you at the right place, being with the right people, and making the right decision.

Finding the missing part of me

Reason to cry

Salam and hi!

Everybody cries.

But not everybody cries for the same reason.

A small matter to you might be big for other people and what appears a big deal to you might not be important to them.

Hence the conclusion.

1) everybody struggles. In different things, differently

2) be sensitive

Footnotes.
I guess smartphones and gadgets has desensitized people from their surrounding, making them less sensitive and ignorant.

Hope next time I can put up pics from my personal collection

I really should start writing again

Salam and hi!

So I haven't been updating for months now. But I guess I can't be giving the same excuse this time, as I did like gazilion times before which was I've been busy with studies. Because truth is, I never was (I'm not a typical medical student and I don't study that hard and that much).

I've taken a damned long break from writing and there are a lot of reasons why.

1) I've lost interest in writing
2) I've no idea as of what to write about
3) A lot of my friends have been shutting down their blogs (they had!) because I don't know maybe Twitter and tumblr is more popular now
4) Do I even have loyal readers still?
5) I thought I should stop lingering on the net and take studies more seriously now (which I know will never work because I apparently only study whenever I feel like it)
6) I'm tired of being myself and write what I Iove about and eventually being judged because of it
7) Or I can't even find myself through writing anymore because I could only write what pleases people and a big chunk of my thoughts need to be cropped and filtered before I could actually publish them simply because I don't want people to judge me
8) I don't want people to judge me from my reckless posts
9) So I need to take months off and reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. To neutralize myself before starting to write again
10) A few points are interrelated

And after giving a long thought about it, at last a decision is made. That I will start writing again!

That's me on my Twitter a few hours ago

Actually there are 2 major and 1 minor reasons why I wanted to start writing again. 

Major reason number one is because I'm getting worse in expressing myself verbally. Not primarily because I don't talk to people. But rather it's because I don't talk to people secondary to people not listening to me. And it hurts so bad not having someone to talk to. I was almost psychotic trying to bottle everything inside so I guess the best way is to let them out in a different way read:writing. Something I thought I'm quite okay at (if not good).

Major reason number two is *drumrolls* because of a guy. Well gender probably is not the main point here. I accidentally 'bumped' into this one blog virtually, and reading it makes me wanna write again. Honestly I've came across a lot of good writers before (be it non-fictional books, novels or blogs) but this one, made me missed the old me so much. I felt so connected with one of his particular post.

The particular blogpost that moved me

   
This blog belongs to Redza Minhat. The one some of us (if not all) knows as an actor and probably not many of us knows as an investment analyst. What probably only I know is that he is one of MCKK's oldboys! (again that is not the main point).

I figured that the main reason why I almost gave up writing is because I wasn't being myself. Instead of writing about what matters to me, I write about what matters to other people instead. I write just to please people. To make people happy (which in the end took its toll on me because you can't please everybody!) I fear of people judging me for instance if I use the 'F' word. Of course that's just one of the many examples. I'm tired being a good girl just because people expect me to. I don't have that many friends while being a good girl now it won't differ much if I am a b*tch anyway.

Back to the main issue. So the one minor reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I probably have a lot of time to kill. Now this is the tricky part.

I am a medical student yes.
I am only a year and a few months away from my final MBBS exam yes.
I do have a lot of subjects to study yes.
I should use most of my time studying instead of doing something else yes.
But I only study whenever I feel like it.
Hence explains why I claimed to have a lot of time to kill.
So there.

Footnotes.
Redza wrote 'hear,hear' at every end of his post. Does that means he was once a debater too? I like!

Song I grew up with

A few years ago when my sister was still in her undergraduate studies in UM, I used to hang out with her. She would pick me up from hostel and we'll spend some sister time over the weekend. I remember in the car, she only had her CD played; all the old tracks from the 90s.

Back then, I kept asking her why. What's with the nostalgic songs? Can't we just listen to the radio and enjoy the latest music buzz? And she only replied 'I need soothing music'.

And yes, back then I didn't understand why. Now that I'm in my early 20s I figured I'm becoming more like my sister a few years ago; I prefer the 90s songs to be played in the car. I don't even bother to tune the frequency to get my previously favourite radio station on air. Just myself and the songs I grew up with.

The songs I grew up with. Now that I'm going through the 20s blues, I could relate it. Well not so much of the blues. It's pretty much like I've lived for 2 decades now, I think I've started to miss my tender years; the years of carefree and worry-free. And all the good songs too!

Back then when all the songs were about it's original music and lyrics that moved you.

Here's one of them.
Honestly I could cry just listening to the lyrics.
And of course, Nora nailed it with the perfect pitch!

Mind you, this song was published in 1995.

Ps: Nothing to do with my current relationship status! lol!

Currently addicted to #6

RnB has got to be among the most addictive genre. Ditching typical mainstream unplugged and acoustic melody, or even classical instrumental piece, contemporary RnB these days nailed it gorgeously with a more urban element  using more of electronic instruments or synthesizer.

The only turn off point of this genre is voice autotune (apart from sexual element in almost all of its music video). I somehow feels that a song won't serve it's purpose as an artistic manifestation of a pure talent when one's voice is autotuned. What a waste of a good song.

But this piece is an exception. Jhené Aiko has a god-given angelic voice that her live version of the song has the same quality of the studio version if not better.

Well written lyrics and endearing music.

 

Currently addicted to #5

There are so many elements we would root for in a song before deciding to listen to it till the end. I'm the type who always pay attention to the lyrics; what's a good song without a good, deep and meaningful lyrics. But the factor that gives impact to listener to keep listening to the song has got to be it's music intro. Evaluation on the lyrics will come later.

This is one piece of music which does not impress we with it's wordy flowery lyrics. Instead the music alone is able to mesmerize me.

It's as if the time stops, and it feels like I'm in a different dimension of the parallel world.

This distance

This distance we have between us is killing me

Here I am and there you are

So close yet so far

In this room

I see you but I can't reach you

I can reach you but I can't reach your heart

I've tried to fix things

But was it just me?

You seemed busy

Too busy to notice me

I would do anything for us to start talking again

Why did things change so much?

Why did you?

From afar by Lisa Golightly

The other side part 2

The other side part 2

A few paths of life were laid before me

And I need to choose which world I want to live in

One path is obviously smoother than the other

One is beautifully decorated, destination is predicted and straight without confusing junctions

While the other is dark, uncertain, non-promising, full of mystery and not yet known risks

I don't fancy adventure that much

But I don't fancy mainstream plot either

I am comfortable with this life I'm currently living in

But sometimes I just don't feel belonged

And it's too tempting to step out into the other life beyond

Typical assurance versus uncertain diversity

Choose

Currently addicted to #4

Pink always has her own fascinating way to nail down her songs and she's one of the most talented singer and songwriter I've ever known. Hands down.

But Jayesslee, the Korean twin sisters (Janice & Sonia) currently residing in Australia, has such an alluring angelic voice that they managed to turn Pink's masterpiece into an acapella version.

And I'm currently addicted to it.

Retrospective attempt

I remember not long ago I told myself that I would never post anything about my personal life, two years ago to be exact (or three). Instead I would write about mushy melancholic poems, some street masterpiece of whatever that crossed my mind. Lines by lines and pharaghraphs of written thoughts nobody can decode. After years now, I feel like I would change my mind. I need to at least write something about what I do. Well after all, campus life, friends, studies are not quite personal are they?

The only three posts I had on my clinical life were during my Community Health, General Surgery, and Internal Medicine rotations. Afterward I stopped. Don’t talk about time, I would always find sometime if I really wanted to write. More important reason why I don’t update entries further related to my clinical life is because I just don’t feel like it. Everytime I brought myself to hangout longer typing on my keyboard to update the blog, there’s always an unexplained feeling clouding my head. I can’t think straight and I just feel like lying on bed. Nobody’s at fault, it’s just that lately I’m trying hard to cope with my ever stormy emotions; the crying spell, the feeling of worthlessness, the suicidal thoughts, and the helplessness. Ahh well, I’m fine now. Don’t worry.

I’ve officially ended my 4^th year and am now having my own sweet time enjoying holidays and celebrating Ramadhan at home. Couple of months ago I had my Obstetrics and Gynecology, Forensic Medicine, Entrepreneurship and General Practice postings. I would love to write about each and every one of them here. But I guess there’s not much memory left in my head. I’ll try though. Let’s walk down the memory lane for a bit.

The truth is, I hate walking down the memory lane. I hate to be reminded of the past. Bitter or sweet, memories are all past tense. And whoever gets too attached to the past will later get entangled by them and strangled until their emotions left suffocated. So yeah, I’m never that good with memories.

But anyway, I shouldn’t get too emotional. I’ll start gathering some flashback and retrospective thoughts of what actually happened a few months ago and I shall write them down. Pictures. There are a lot of pictures to help me remember them all.

I’ll keep those entries coming.

Currently addicted to #3

Save you from yourself.

I could hardly admit this as an addiction. But when it’s on your playlist replayed 24/7 back to back, maybe it is. It’s not just the melody, but the message.

I can’t seem to figure what this song is about at first. Not until 0:43

And you should probably stick longer too.

Strangely I feel related.

My eyes were moist with tears to even imagine if he’s gonna cut himself.

Don’t please.

Don’t cut.

Whatever it is hold on stronger please.

Nobody can feel the empathy of an individual who’s at the edge of suicide.

Whatever they’re thinking.

The helplessness.

Unless you’ve been there.

Or done that.

This is cliché but…

No one’s able to save you from yourself but you.

So keep going.

Stay alive and stay strong.