surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Sunday, December 30, 2012

Finding the other half

Who would have thought thinking about who's actually going to be your other half feels close as heartbreaking as breaking up. Not in a very similar way but, pretty much.

It's a never ending puzzle. Who knows? ALLAH knows. Yes HE knows.

How many of us jumped into a relationship with the thought of getting married in the end. But along the way things didn't go so well as planned. And there were times when even though nothing has went wrong, but it just...didn't feel right. How could you be so confident of wanting that particular someone to be the ultimate Mr.Right or the Prince Charming when you know nothing is going to be definite. As long as a legal knot is not tied, how are you actually able to open up your heart to someone. This gave me a slap in the face. What if he's not the one for me? So ever since, I decided to not get involved in this game for two.

The hardest part is when people keep coming and knocking my door. It's not that easy to tell people off. To explain to them why I decided to not be in any kind of intimate relationship with anyone. How am I suppose to make people understand I'm actually reserving myself for the one who deserves when I myself am clueless of who I'll end up with?

Given my age. This age, the time has come for people to start talking about marriage and stuff. That's one of the perks being in the 20s. I on the other hand tried my best to not talk about it because it seems too redundant. Redundant as in, here and there everyone (almost) is talking about soul mates, early marriage, and stuff. I avoided as much talking about related topics because I find it insignificant to shriek over other people's (so-called) sweet love stories.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any issue with those who decided to tie a knot even before graduating and having stable income. But what's more important to me is to establish my own philosophy and a concrete reason and understanding of the decision behind that marriage itself. It's not merely wanting to have someone accompanying you for lunch at the campus cafe, or someone who's willing to keep you wide awake and study together when exam's approaching. It's more than that.

The responsibility. The word is self explanatory. Enough said.

Trying is good enough. Go on and try to find you future spouse. Where there's a will, there's a way right. Working your ways to marriage. Good for you. But I think at this point of my life, I don't mind even if what awaits me in the near future is an arranged marriage. What can be more important than two people meeting and wanting to be with each other because of HIM?

I know I sounded like a 40 year old unmarried mak cik. But I mean it. Hey. Of course! Which girl doesn't want a true love who knows her in and out, tried his best to win her heart and have that very gut to propose to her? I know I'm probably too young to be taken seriously. But I'm old enough to learn the rationale behind this phrase 'Hubb Fillah'.

Ask any girl out there what they want in a guy. They'll answer, the one who understands, who listens, who'll love unconditionally yadayada.

Here's my answer. I don't mind if my future spouse have not even seen me before, have never known me before, as long as he's ready to step another level ahead of completing this Deen and work with me together for His blessings. I'm up for him.

Reason being? I can't risk my heart for a heartbreak. And because there's a limitation in a relationship, even friendship between two different genders. We call it ikhtilat.

Someone who loves HIM first before decided to go after me.

Any takers?

This is not the matter of promoting myself. More importantly I didn't write this simply because I'm fresh-from-the-oven frustrated or broken hearted. I just needed to highlight the basis of principle I stand up for. Tired of being overwhelmed with dilemmas.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Life needs some element of mystery
It shouldn't be an open book. That's how I see it as. Because I believe what's limited from public access is special. Something only a few people know is special. So what's special to you? Maybe by letting as much people informed, so it's a unique event to you. Thus that what makes it special. Do enlighten me.

Often times I worried what I do, what I did revealed too much of myself. Only last time I checked they weren't. Only thing revealed is how mysterious, emotional, and unpredictable I am. It's somehow a bliss. A bliss that when people know less about you, they'll be more careful around you.

You. Remember the reason why we're friends at the first place? Guess it means nothing to you anymore ain't it. You're no one to me now but we shared the same memories.

We've stopped talking for unknown reason. I don't wanna sound disappointed because I'm not. Because I need to thank you for making things less complicated now.

free like a ballerina

Sunday, December 2, 2012


Saat jemari bertemu papan kekunci
Saat mata bertemu hamparan karya alam maya
Nampaknya gugusan jernih juga mahu menemani

Mata berkaca

Kesilapan demi kesilapan
Apa lagi yang boleh dijangka daripada insan bernama manusia?

Aku bukan malaikat
Aku yang masih merangkak dalam usaha bersama secebis amalku
Tetapi aku pasti sampai satu tahap
Akan terdetik di benak akan kepentingan menjaga kesucian ikhtilat

Kepentingan menjaga kesucian ikhtilat
Biarlah manusia bersama pendapat dan hujah masing-masing

Tetapi aku di sini yang berkata putus untuk melepaskan
Perit itu usah ditanya
Manakan tidak
Kononnya hati yang telah bertaut

Tetapi Allah itu Maha Tahu
Ajal. Maut. Jodoh. Pertemuan.

Kerana apa yang aku lakukan adalah untukNya
Kerana apa yang aku lakukan adalah demiNya

Hanya doa yang mampu aku terus panjatkan
Semoga Dia terus menjaga hatiku

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