surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Song I grew up with

A few years ago when my sister was still in her undergraduate studies in UM, I used to hang out with her. She would pick me up from hostel and we'll spend some sister time over the weekend. I remember in the car, she only had her CD played; all the old tracks from the 90s.

Back then, I kept asking her why. What's with the nostalgic songs? Can't we just listen to the radio and enjoy the latest music buzz? And she only replied 'I need soothing music'.

And yes, back then I didn't understand why. Now that I'm in my early 20s I figured I'm becoming more like my sister a few years ago; I prefer the 90s songs to be played in the car. I don't even bother to tune the frequency to get my previously favourite radio station on air. Just myself and the songs I grew up with.

The songs I grew up with. Now that I'm going through the 20s blues, I could relate it. Well not so much of the blues. It's pretty much like I've lived for 2 decades now, I think I've started to miss my tender years; the years of carefree and worry-free. And all the good songs too!

Back then when all the songs were about it's original music and lyrics that moved you.

Here's one of them.
Honestly I could cry just listening to the lyrics.
And of course, Nora nailed it with the perfect pitch!

Mind you, this song was published in 1995.

Ps: Nothing to do with my current relationship status! lol!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Currently addicted to #6

RnB has got to be among the most addictive genre. Ditching typical mainstream unplugged and acoustic melody, or even classical instrumental piece, contemporary RnB these days nailed it gorgeously with a more urban element  using more of electronic instruments or synthesizer.

The only turn off point of this genre is voice autotune (apart from sexual element in almost all of its music video). I somehow feels that a song won't serve it's purpose as an artistic manifestation of a pure talent when one's voice is autotuned. What a waste of a good song.

But this piece is an exception. Jhené Aiko has a god-given angelic voice that her live version of the song has the same quality of the studio version if not better.

Well written lyrics and endearing music.


Currently addicted to #5

There are so many elements we would root for in a song before deciding to listen to it till the end. I'm the type who always pay attention to the lyrics; what's a good song without a good, deep and meaningful lyrics. But the factor that gives impact to listener to keep listening to the song has got to be it's music intro. Evaluation on the lyrics will come later.

This is one piece of music which does not impress we with it's wordy flowery lyrics. Instead the music alone is able to mesmerize me.

It's as if the time stops, and it feels like I'm in a different dimension of the parallel world.

Friday, September 6, 2013

This distance

This distance we have between us is killing me

Here I am and there you are
So close yet so far

In this room
I see you but I can't reach you
I can reach you but I can't reach your heart

I've tried to fix things
But was it just me?

You seemed busy
Too busy to notice me

I would do anything for us to start talking again
Why did things change so much?
Why did you?

From afar by Lisa Golightly

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The other side part 2

The other side part 2

A few paths of life were laid before me
And I need to choose which world I want to live in
One path is obviously smoother than the other

One is beautifully decorated, destination is predicted and straight without confusing junctions
While the other is dark, uncertain, non-promising, full of mystery and not yet known risks

I don't fancy adventure that much
But I don't fancy mainstream plot either

I am comfortable with this life I'm currently living in
But sometimes I just don't feel belonged
And it's too tempting to step out into the other life beyond

Typical assurance versus uncertain diversity


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Currently addicted to #4

Pink always has her own fascinating way to nail down her songs and she's one of the most talented singer and songwriter I've ever known. Hands down.

But Jayesslee, the Korean twin sisters (Janice & Sonia) currently residing in Australia, has such an alluring angelic voice that they managed to turn Pink's masterpiece into an acapella version.

And I'm currently addicted to it.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Retrospective attempt

I remember not long ago I told myself that I would never post anything about my personal life, two years ago to be exact (or three). Instead I would write about mushy melancholic poems, some street masterpiece of whatever that crossed my mind. Lines by lines and pharaghraphs of written thoughts nobody can decode. After years now, I feel like I would change my mind. I need to at least write something about what I do. Well after all, campus life, friends, studies are not quite personal are they?

The only three posts I had on my clinical life were during my Community Health, General Surgery, and Internal Medicine rotations. Afterward I stopped. Don’t talk about time, I would always find sometime if I really wanted to write. More important reason why I don’t update entries further related to my clinical life is because I just don’t feel like it. Everytime I brought myself to hangout longer typing on my keyboard to update the blog, there’s always an unexplained feeling clouding my head. I can’t think straight and I just feel like lying on bed. Nobody’s at fault, it’s just that lately I’m trying hard to cope with my ever stormy emotions; the crying spell, the feeling of worthlessness, the suicidal thoughts, and the helplessness. Ahh well, I’m fine now. Don’t worry.

I’ve officially ended my 4th year and am now having my own sweet time enjoying holidays and celebrating Ramadhan at home. Couple of months ago I had my Obstetrics and Gynecology, Forensic Medicine, Entrepreneurship and General Practice postings. I would love to write about each and every one of them here. But I guess there’s not much memory left in my head. I’ll try though. Let’s walk down the memory lane for a bit.

The truth is, I hate walking down the memory lane. I hate to be reminded of the past. Bitter or sweet, memories are all past tense. And whoever gets too attached to the past will later get entangled by them and strangled until their emotions left suffocated. So yeah, I’m never that good with memories.

But anyway, I shouldn’t get too emotional. I’ll start gathering some flashback and retrospective thoughts of what actually happened a few months ago and I shall write them down. Pictures. There are a lot of pictures to help me remember them all.

I’ll keep those entries coming.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Currently addicted to #3

Save you from yourself.

I could hardly admit this as an addiction. But when it’s on your playlist replayed 24/7 back to back, maybe it is. It’s not just the melody, but the message.

I can’t seem to figure what this song is about at first. Not until 0:43
And you should probably stick longer too.

Strangely I feel related.

My eyes were moist with tears to even imagine if he’s gonna cut himself.
Don’t please.
Don’t cut.
Whatever it is hold on stronger please.

Nobody can feel the empathy of an individual who’s at the edge of suicide.
Whatever they’re thinking.
The helplessness.
Unless you’ve been there.
Or done that.

This is cliché but…
No one’s able to save you from yourself but you.
So keep going.
Stay alive and stay strong.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

The other side

You're like the other side of me.
The part of me no one else ever knew about.
You're the part of me no one ever knew existed.
You're the mysterious part of me.

I even wonder if I'm myself when I'm with you.
Or it's merely just an escape from the other world I'm living.
I wonder if I'm ready to merge the two worlds or just live in either.
I'm not sure if I will ever choose to ditch the world I'm currenty in just to be with you.

I can't even tell if you're for real.
But fair enough to know that you're not a part of fantasy.

I don't really know where do I belong.
Here with everybody else.
Or there with you.

Or do I?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface

This lack of self control I fear is never ending

I can't seem to find myself again

My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure


Endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

It's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

-Crawling, Linkin Park-

Friday, May 24, 2013

Yang Terbaik

Aku bukanlah insan yang terbaik.

Aku bukanlah insan yang terbaik. Namun begitu, selalu aku menginginkan yang terbaik untuk diriku. Kerana aku tahu yang terbaik itu datangnya hanya dariMu.

Aku rindukan seorang sahabat. Sahabat yang bila aku mengadu kesedihan padanya, akan disambut dengan senyuman, dibalas dengan usapan lembut di kepala. Diiringi dengan kata-kata hikmah yang indah.

Ingin sekali aku memiliki sahabat yang akan mengingatkan aku..

“Sayang.. Ujian itu semuanya datang dari Allah. Tentunya Dia Maha Tahu apa yang terbaik buatmu. Kamu tidak perlu gusar dan risau. Dia sentiasa bersama kamu. Kesedihan itu cumanya sementara. Apa kamu lupa dunia ini juga bukan kekal. Nah. Menangislah semahunya jika itu meringankan berat hatimu. Tetapi ingat, jangan pernah berputus asa”

Usai solat bersama, lalu aku pun berbaring di pehanya dan menangis semahunya, namun dia tidak akan mengeluh jika kain telekungnya basah dek air mataku.

Dan sahabat itu tidak akan pernah menilai aku mengikut pandangan dunia semata. Kerana dia tahu manusia tidak pernah akan sempurna. Kerana dia tahu pandangan yang paling mulia adalah pandangan Allah Yang Maha Kuasa.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Walking down the memory lane

Everybody makes mistake. These are the easiest words to say when something goes wrong. Eventhough most would have hard times uttering it, but I believe one won’t say it to be taken lightly. Just like when people say ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’, no matter how sincerely you meant it, the message is never that easy to reach the other side. To convince, to get yourself trusted again.

Having said this, many still have double standard when going through such situation. They’ll start to bash and punish everybody who made mistakes but when it comes to them, as if they didn’t see it coming they’d simply say ‘people make mistake’ and expect forgiveness right away.

I have been on both sides. The one who made mistake and the victim who suffered after it was all said and done. And neither one has been easy.

But this has taught me one thing

What goes around comes around

I am the type who would admit if I'm wrong. Sincerely as sincerest as I could if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me. On the other hand if you just wanna make myself look stupid begging for you to forgive me and not even intended to do so but you just want that pleasure of seeing my ego gets as low as the ground, let me be the first one to tell you that it’s not going to happen.

Literally I can offer you my apology. But I’ll also let you know that I’m pretty good at giving people what they want without giving them the pleasure of having it.


Ps: walking down the memory lane was never a good idea
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