surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Euthanasia, entry #2

When I was in school, her classmates came to me and said
'we were packing all her books and stuff in the classroom and we found 3 letters; one to her parents, one to her sister, this is another one with unknown receiver. So we decided to read it out loud to the class'

It was the letter she wrote the night before she was leaving for home, to prepare for interview that weekend. The girls handed me the letter, and I read it quietly

music room, 10:07pm, 110711

In the name of Allah, the one who knows everything

Will try make this short. Don't worry. Tak nak take your time. Buat benda lain would be much better rather than layan aku. -.-'

These TWO/THREE days, I was lost. Down? Err, macam tak. I guess it's more on findin the tranquility, kot. For who I am. Tryin to take all the hardships in positive ways.

Now I know what my problems are. But first let me tell you this. The main reason why I did behave like -.-' was, I was far from Him. In the middle of fixing the relationship between a servant and her God.

Next, somehow I feel like I'm burdenin people -.-' haih. Kesian mereka. Terasa diri membawa alamat buruk. Aku jenis cepat terasa -..-
Susah ouh. Tapi takpelah. R e d h a.

Kau take care. Study biar smart and niat lillah and jihad fillah.
Stay up? Tak payah. It's not good for your health. Baik bangun qiam. Hmm. Kan? Good luck.

If aku more likely disappearin, sorry -.-' I mean in future...

Oklah. Filling to burst myself.
May Allah bless you
Assalamualaikum w.b.t

"Cukuplah Allah bagiku. Cukuplah mati sebagai guruku"

A letter from a 17 year-old girl.
A letter from my late little sister.

Leaving behind families and friends, she was a great comrade. Everyone in school, teachers and students, all your friends across boarding schools who knew you from tournaments, we all pray for you dear.

Rest in peace, baby

Euthanasia, entry #1

I've been debating for 6 years, euthanasia is considered a too common issue. Be it the government or opposition, to understand what the term really means I searched for articles related, the online debate video, the true story written, and when the time comes I'll propose if I'm the deputy prime minister and oppose if I'm the 2nd opposition. Very little that I am concerned of what euthanasia brings to people around it.

I am 20, with 2 brothers, 2 sisters, and a younger brother. Little sister? Oh I had one. Had?

She was 13 when I was 17 and that day I could sense her feeling lonely despite surrounded by crowd in all direction. She was crying. I wasn't a very friendly senior honestly, but seeing her I can't help but to start stepping to get closer. I held her shoulder in my arms and ask
'What's wrong?'
She wiped her tears and said
I didn't go of her eyes from mine and waited for her to open up for me. She gave up and looked at me
'I missed my sister'

Her sister was my age and I felt the urgency to comfort this pure little girl. So I hugged her tight and asked
'Why? Is there anything happened? Did you guys fight?'

I pulled her wrist gently to the corner with me and remembered the next 15 minutes, I lent my ears and shoulder to her.

Being a freshie where everything was still unfamiliar, all the faces were still puzzled innocently, it was too hard for this young soul to be strong without having anyone by the side. And she was experiencing such because somehow people's first impression towards her wasn't so nice of. And I learnt the reason why she seemed a bit down and depressed.

We started to be close; she'll look for me after prep hours or dropped by dorm after lights off. There was one time when I was dozed deep, faced down with chemistry book under my cheek, she captured a picture and woke me up with her giggles. To my surprise, I got pissed off pleasantly, deep inside I was so happy having someone that close, that concern, that playful to cheer my day.

Because I have a serious character, I think I literally scared people too much. One day I was having a hard time, rumors about me spread and even though I don't know what it was all about, I could tell it wasn't something good. I didn't know how serious people had secretly misunderstood me until she came to me one day and decided to tell me what exactly happened.

'Because I love you, so I decided to stay silent until now for I didn't want to hurt you. But after sometime if I continue mouth-zipped at one point I know I would still hurt you in the end. I am so sorry and I need to tell you this'

A number of girls were having some ulterior motives against me. Maybe I was known with a little tough personality so I didn't care much about what others say, especially when the issues were all made up. Before I could say anything, she said
'But don't worry Kak Zwen, I’ll be by your side no matter what because I believe in you'

She was a very dear little sister to me, and after I graduated school we still keep in contact. What's funny is when she got the table turned, if I saw her more like a baby sister to me back on school; instead she was the one who called me baby after school. Then I realized how big this baby sister of mine has grown. Then I realized I no longer watch her growing up, but we were growing up together. Rather than sisters, we were more like friends.

On July 13, that night she texted me telling me she was up for an interview for students exchange program in the US after SPM on the weekend. So she'll be leaving the next morning. Nothing was wrong; I didn't reply her last text messages because she was having dinner.

The next day July 14, went like always and it was that night when I heard she had an accident. She was on her way to the interview, her mum and sister were stable and she was in the state of coma.

Secretly I prayed for her to wake up, but still she didn't. She has got internal bleeding in the brain and warded in the ICU. Went for operation but she remained unconscious. I kept waiting for good news to come but it didn't.

Unconscious for a week, on July 20, she was declared with brain death. According to procedure, 2 final check ups made to confirm her condition; 6.30pm and 9.05pm that Wednesday night, with the support of artificial ventilation, corneal and pupil reflexes absent, so her family let the doctors remove her respiratory aid; it was the euthanasia that I've been debated for since ages and she was gone forever. I've got no right to stand up for because I wasn't a part of the family members, and the mum chose to let her go in peace.

The news reached me the next morning, I was stunned. The fact that death is somewhere ahead me which has been vaguely neglected came rushing into mind.

I know writing this won't have any significant to her, but I am too disappointed for not being able to meet her, we have a lot of plans together, we have many promises together. I was in school over the weekend joining an alumni program, as I sat in the Surau alone, a vague memory filled my mind, how she was the one who would come and sit in front of me, eye-to-eye, with her mischievous smile like she was just caught red-handed without a word. I missed that moment, the moment when she was in front of me and even though I was too tired to say anything to her, too tired to play with her, she would keep on smiling and say little little things to cheer my mood up
'akak tau tak mata akak kecik?'
'suara Kak Zwen ni kadang-kadang macam kartun la'
'kalau akak buat muka serius macam tu je, muka akak macam anak patung'

I missed that all

Dear Farhah Fakhira, Kak Zwen sayang awak.
And I will never forget my first promise to you.

'Akak kena janji kat orang, kena selalu senyum ok'

Friday, July 15, 2011

Mysterious blackmail

When was the last time you had fun playing guessing game? And when was the last time you felt being manipulated to the max that you kept changing your guesses back to back within limited evidence?

It's exactly the feeling that I had when I was watching Majo Saiban (The Witch Trial).

It's a story about a young woman whom death sentence is put in line for murdering her lover. The case was on hold of investigation for a year before put to trial. The line of juror among interested public citizen was recruited after filtration of writing test and interview.

So out of all the candidates, eight public citizens were chose to become the juror.

The juror

Toma Ikuta as Yoshioka Toru, a young man who never cares about social issues but applies to be the juror because he needs money

Kato Ai as Watabe Izumi, one of the juror. Married with one daughter and his husband is always away due to business matter. Because of the trial, she becomes closer with Toru

Higa Manami acts as Motomiya Kaori, Toru’s girl friend and also a reporter. Somehow seeing Izumi being too close with Toru makes her a little jealous

The witch; Ishida Yuriko as Kashiwagi Kyoko

The witch’s daughter; Kutsuna Shiori as Kashiwagi Haruka

The trial started, without anyone knowing (not even the defendant herself) there exist an underground illegal trial manipulator hired by the defendant lawyer in order to win the case. It is a big case and received wide live broadcast across the country. And the mysterious illegal organization team disguised themselves among the group of reporters; they set hidden cameras within the court compound, inside trial room, and in the jury room. However they still remained mystery and then further collected information on all the 8 jurors and start blackmailing them to vote not guilty in the trial; so they call it 'the witch trial'.

The ongoing of trial to get the defendant convicted offers continuous suspense, watching this drama one episode after another, you will gradually change your mind accordingly. This is among the well-directed jdrama I ever watched and if you were to watch it, go on and try using your best instinct to stick till the end whether the defendant is guilty or not. And the most shocking fact waiting at the end of the episode is 'who is the real culprit behind the mask of this underground trial manipulator'.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Cute as usual

If you're a fan of the j-movie prince of tennis, I know you'll secretly smile when I say his name; Hongo Kanata, the cute and mischievous young tennis genius. Though I wasn't really a big fan of Kanata, but watching him acting I can hardly help myself from falling in love with that cute little face. He's my age now and surprisingly he still has that good-looking, cute and innocent trait the last time I watched him in Yankee-kun to Megane-chan back in 2010.

Among my favorite drama of him is Himitsu no Hanazono (Hanazono’s Secret) in 2007. It's an 11 episodes comedy drama with maybe 10% trace of romance in it. Story about 4 guys and a girl; 4 brothers who're taking care of each other since their father, a famous artist died when they were young, and an ordinary workaholic girl who by fate had met them.

Tsukiyama has just been transferred from being a magazine editor of the fashion department to the manga department, and she’s assigned to be the editor of a famous shoujo manga (manga genre that’s famous among teenage girls), Hanazono Yuriko who has never once disclosed her identity to public. Having a norm thought like the society does, Tsukiyama who always believes Hanazono-sensei is a young lady (since shoujo manga artist has always been females) went to meet the famous manga artist for the first time. To her surprise, Hanazono-sensei is not a lady but actually men; the 4 brothers of different unique personality.


The big brother (responsible for the coloring effects)
Sakai Masato as Kataoka Wataru

The second brother (responsible for the manga sketching)
Ikeda Tetsuhiro as Kataoka Osamu

The third brother (appointed as Hanazono Yuriko’s spokesperson and manager)
Kaname Jun as Kataoka Satoshi

The little brother (responsible for the story line)
Hongo Kanata as Kataoka Hinata

The girl (the manga editor)
Shaku Yumiko as Tsukiyama Kayo

It’s a fun drama to watch as the plot developed by resolving the conflict of why they decided to hide their identity behind a female name and not make themselves public. Starting from the beginning, this conflict appeared light and able to make viewers having false conception before gradually move on to resolving the heavier ones.

Ps: and so, Kanata is cute as usual
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