surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Euthanasia, entry #1

I've been debating for 6 years, euthanasia is considered a too common issue. Be it the government or opposition, to understand what the term really means I searched for articles related, the online debate video, the true story written, and when the time comes I'll propose if I'm the deputy prime minister and oppose if I'm the 2nd opposition. Very little that I am concerned of what euthanasia brings to people around it.

I am 20, with 2 brothers, 2 sisters, and a younger brother. Little sister? Oh I had one. Had?

She was 13 when I was 17 and that day I could sense her feeling lonely despite surrounded by crowd in all direction. She was crying. I wasn't a very friendly senior honestly, but seeing her I can't help but to start stepping to get closer. I held her shoulder in my arms and ask
'What's wrong?'
She wiped her tears and said
'Nothing'
I didn't go of her eyes from mine and waited for her to open up for me. She gave up and looked at me
'I missed my sister'

Her sister was my age and I felt the urgency to comfort this pure little girl. So I hugged her tight and asked
'Why? Is there anything happened? Did you guys fight?'

I pulled her wrist gently to the corner with me and remembered the next 15 minutes, I lent my ears and shoulder to her.

Being a freshie where everything was still unfamiliar, all the faces were still puzzled innocently, it was too hard for this young soul to be strong without having anyone by the side. And she was experiencing such because somehow people's first impression towards her wasn't so nice of. And I learnt the reason why she seemed a bit down and depressed.

We started to be close; she'll look for me after prep hours or dropped by dorm after lights off. There was one time when I was dozed deep, faced down with chemistry book under my cheek, she captured a picture and woke me up with her giggles. To my surprise, I got pissed off pleasantly, deep inside I was so happy having someone that close, that concern, that playful to cheer my day.

Because I have a serious character, I think I literally scared people too much. One day I was having a hard time, rumors about me spread and even though I don't know what it was all about, I could tell it wasn't something good. I didn't know how serious people had secretly misunderstood me until she came to me one day and decided to tell me what exactly happened.

'Because I love you, so I decided to stay silent until now for I didn't want to hurt you. But after sometime if I continue mouth-zipped at one point I know I would still hurt you in the end. I am so sorry and I need to tell you this'

A number of girls were having some ulterior motives against me. Maybe I was known with a little tough personality so I didn't care much about what others say, especially when the issues were all made up. Before I could say anything, she said
'But don't worry Kak Zwen, I’ll be by your side no matter what because I believe in you'

She was a very dear little sister to me, and after I graduated school we still keep in contact. What's funny is when she got the table turned, if I saw her more like a baby sister to me back on school; instead she was the one who called me baby after school. Then I realized how big this baby sister of mine has grown. Then I realized I no longer watch her growing up, but we were growing up together. Rather than sisters, we were more like friends.

On July 13, that night she texted me telling me she was up for an interview for students exchange program in the US after SPM on the weekend. So she'll be leaving the next morning. Nothing was wrong; I didn't reply her last text messages because she was having dinner.

The next day July 14, went like always and it was that night when I heard she had an accident. She was on her way to the interview, her mum and sister were stable and she was in the state of coma.

Secretly I prayed for her to wake up, but still she didn't. She has got internal bleeding in the brain and warded in the ICU. Went for operation but she remained unconscious. I kept waiting for good news to come but it didn't.

Unconscious for a week, on July 20, she was declared with brain death. According to procedure, 2 final check ups made to confirm her condition; 6.30pm and 9.05pm that Wednesday night, with the support of artificial ventilation, corneal and pupil reflexes absent, so her family let the doctors remove her respiratory aid; it was the euthanasia that I've been debated for since ages and she was gone forever. I've got no right to stand up for because I wasn't a part of the family members, and the mum chose to let her go in peace.

The news reached me the next morning, I was stunned. The fact that death is somewhere ahead me which has been vaguely neglected came rushing into mind.

I know writing this won't have any significant to her, but I am too disappointed for not being able to meet her, we have a lot of plans together, we have many promises together. I was in school over the weekend joining an alumni program, as I sat in the Surau alone, a vague memory filled my mind, how she was the one who would come and sit in front of me, eye-to-eye, with her mischievous smile like she was just caught red-handed without a word. I missed that moment, the moment when she was in front of me and even though I was too tired to say anything to her, too tired to play with her, she would keep on smiling and say little little things to cheer my mood up
'akak tau tak mata akak kecik?'
'suara Kak Zwen ni kadang-kadang macam kartun la'
'kalau akak buat muka serius macam tu je, muka akak macam anak patung'

I missed that all

Dear Farhah Fakhira, Kak Zwen sayang awak.
And I will never forget my first promise to you.

'Akak kena janji kat orang, kena selalu senyum ok'

7 comments:

Faariis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shafiqa najib said...

:'( TOUCHED

^Laila^ said...

T_T

aiman_masri said...

inna lillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun...

Faariis said...

innalillahi wainna ilaihi rajiun!!

Faariis said...

penah kenal dengan adik ni...semoga ditempatkan dengan orang2 yang solehah..sesungguhnya kematian itu dekat, dan sedih sebab dia xsempat menyambut ramadhan...adakah kita sempat??

Anonymous said...

i miss her too

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