surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Sunday, January 29, 2012

The first time after such a long time

After I wrote the entry called ‘The balatant side of me’, surprisingly it unofficially invited some constructive comments. Right, these people who read my blog prefer that reckless side of me rather than the sophisticated me? Because what I wrote sounds more human and it makes more sense (makes more sense? Believe me you won’t feel that way once I turned my sophisticated button off) I guess now I need to find a way how to be blatant in a more sophisticated way.

It’s raining outside when i was writing this. By the time this is posted of course most probably it has stopped though, since i didn't get to publish this right away after it's finished written.

1) There is no internet connection
2) i'm on the bus at the moment

heard that? Yep i'm on the bus, after ages of not riding it. And surprise! I did!

Before i get to all pieces of mind that needed to be spilled here, again this is me writing from my ipod. Like i said, when that happens it means i'm being unexceptionally honest. no mask, no plastic, no being miss goody two-shoes, no hiding anything. I simply write what's on my mind; including what's already in my mind, what pops up and even what's popping in between the two. I guess i'm gonna be doing this quite regularly now, since this mood of writing recklessly only comes when i'm boring. And yes, i might start the journey of a boring saga. Not that my life was so fancy before, it's already boring as it is. But maybe it does gonna be a bit different if i declared that publicly.

Hmmm... Now i wonder how something boring could turn into something differently boring. Oh i rattled too ridiculously that it has stopped raining now. Maybe even the raindrop got bored with me that it wana runaway from me. Huh now i doubt the sun will get bored with me and start disappearing and giving a way to the rain back, or maybe the wind, or maybe the cloud. I don't know.

You see, i can't remember when was the last time i sit inside this rectangular thing with 4 wheels looking out the window wondering when i would reach home. Right, it has been too long that i can't even recall.

Believe me it's true that i prefer mum to fetch me or my sister to fetch me rather than independently start a journey home with a public transportation. I mean who doesn't? Riding with your family in a car, as if it's already home even before reaching home sweet home. Am i wrong?

This decision made was pretty much an imprompted one. Is that the word? Or rather decided without me thinking twice. you can say i'm still in the delusional cloud of suffocated in between lines of lecture notes and textbooks and the mental exhaustion of answering exam papers that made me decide this without much consideration.

And thanks to it, i get to know that the trains are now using token and you need to buy it yourself from the machine. i was dumbfounded for a few seconds when the counter of Chempaka station wrote 'untuk tnGo dan kad rapid sahaja'. -oh great, this means i have to use the machine right? - was what i thought.

As i stood there, there was a boy behind me and he told me he hasn't even once used it too. We both gave a small chuckle simultaneously. Right when was the last time we laugh not because of the humor, but the nervousness? Heard that from him, so i guess he won't complain if i took forever to get the ticket.

The machine is just big as a vending machine, and believe me no matter how i tried to look at it, they both aren't operated the same way. it was too unfamiliar to me, so i identified where the token is vomitted out, where shall i place the coin, or the bill note, where would the change returned. And step by step i went. The token came out and i get my change.

All my way from Chempaka Bandar Tasik Selatan, i can't help the nervousness. That typical reason why; what if i missed the bus, what if the tickets are all sold out. Oh i didn't tell you guys i was planning to buy it on the spot didn't i? And man! Walking alone can never be anymore worrying especially in places you've never been to before. that's right, eversince all buses to southern peninsular moved to Terminal Bersepadu Selatan (TBS) away from Puduraya Terminal , all that while was when i'm comfortably going back fetched by mum. i never been there before. i know i might sound as nervous as a 13 years old hostel girl who first learnt how to ride a bus home from school, but honestly that's how naive i feel despite being 21.

But hey, it wasn't that bad. despite the tachycardia, i stayed relax that even mum turned extra anxious asking what time my bus is, what time i'll get home and what not.

It’s 6 pm now and i'm halfway home. the time i'll be posting this entry and you'll be reading it, means i had properly unpacked my stuff and had a nice long shower, probably with my favourite pajama on and a before-bed-ponytail. ~home sweet home~

eventhough this is our end 5th semester break, it's gonna be just a week holiday. Surprisingly short huh. But at this moment, who cares. This exhausted mental and physique needs to unwind still.

Till then, this is again zawani zainudin being honest

take me home!
Ps: and oh, guess I was too happy being home last night that I can’t get to post this immediately after my ponytail was done lol.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

long-lost brother?

You must have came across this youtube sensational artist Sam Tsui. Collaborating with his best childhood buddy Kurt Schneider, and made an explosive ever youtube star since 2008 or so (and i just figured out how awesome they are recently).

Anyway it's not Sam that i tried to highlight here and neither do Kurt, you could check out their awesomeness on youtube for yourself.

But what matters to me at the moment is that somehow, no matter how i tried to look at it, from which ever angle i tried to approach it, i personally think this Sam guy resembles someone.

Someone from my past. Well a former crush of mine if you wonder.

Haruma Miura!

Anyone? What do you think?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I know

I know it's not Wordless Wednesday. Not that I ever care about them anyhow

 Right. Sometimes it's not word that matters. Just the presence.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The blatant side of me

this is going to be just a short update.

warning: for your next 5 minutes, you might be able to see the honest side of zawani zainudin.

it's our study week now, and the first paper is going to be this friday (Aqidah Islamiah and Akhlak subject). though this is considered a minor one, preparation is mandatory. then all the core subjects are coming the following weeks; a total of 5 (parasitology, microbiology, pharmacology, pathology and community health).

despite days free of classes and lectures, for some reasons i find it comfortable coming to campus, staying in the lecture hall (postulated to be due to its matter-of-fact studying environment) but i don't know.

note that i am right now updating thru my iPod. and if i did so, it means i'm writing an impromptu post. this might be quite close to an honest disclosure rather than the usual indirect-complicated-i-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about-entry.

simply because exam is near and time's too gold so i won't spend so much time squeezing my head for bombastic words, and then recheck grammatical errors over again just so i won't jeopardize of my reputation (duh~).

so yeah. just treat this as some sort of my typical diary entry and because of that, you should consider yourself damned lucky for being able to read this!

OMG! was it just me or this exam mode is really interrupting my normal cognition ability. forgive me for all the blatant disclosure.

i met my lecturer today and here's what she said;

"in medical, the theme is 'studying' by hook or by crook".

seriously it's that simple. of course that's the only way.

i didn't know how to study until i got into medical school. high school? well it was just the alternate routines of sleeping in class, memorizing, answering past years' questions and experiencing puppy love.

worrying whether or not you manage to finish reading all is one thing, and worrying whether or not you manage to retent those memories until that very last minutes answering exam papers is another thing.

i said this before in front of my colleagues in class and i hereby would like to remind myself again at the first place;

'if you're still worrying, it shows that you haven't been praying enough'

true enough. O Allah, please give me strength.

oh. i thought it was supposed to be a short update, was it? never mind.

till then everybody, that was zawani zainudin being honest and blatant.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Counting on the new begining upon the ending part 2

God knows how I need a properply proper draft before I could post an entry, that’s why I rarely updated these days and if I did, it’s gonna be a real long one. Honestly I have a lot of pending drafts. If only they could be called one; just a simple title with a few points (typical SPM essay scribbles), but it’s always the matter of time.

How did y’all spend the New Year everyone? This very first day of 2012; January 1st, all praise to Allah for the opportunity to spend it with my beloved classmates ^^

Let’s cut stories short

Date: January 1st 2012
Venue: The Woods Resort, Ulu Yam
Time: 8.30 am-2.30 pm
Attendance: 24/30

It was the girls’ hangout! I feel bad for not able to have all the 30 of us there, but insyaAllah we’ll have another plan the like sooner or later.

We had barbeque, we played games (seriously I was so close to rolling on the grass. It was so funny!), we took pictures, play splashing water a bit, and the climax was the SA session.

the woods resort
the waterfall, credits to dearest Lel ^^
SA game, well they called it differently in different places. Back in school, this part was always the must-have during every end-year-party; be it classes or dormitory or even club activity. It’s the Secret Admirer game.

It started with fixing the price range for presents. Then everyone’s gonna write their wish list. With everyone’s names are in a box, next we’re gonna lot a draw to see who should we give present to. At this stage, everybody’s gonna give one present and gonna get one present in return. It’s just that identity of the giver won’t be disclosed and you need to figure that out; and that is you secret admirer.

Now it makes sense to you why I posted this entry before; because it’s my wish list.

And yes I received a blue bangle! My secret admirer? It was Tasniim ^^

I on the other hand was the secret admirer of Adilah. Gave her a seat cushion ^^

The reason why I posted this entry isn’t merely to share my updates with all blogger friends, or simply to put on pics and tell some stories so the girls could recall pleasantly and smile involuntarily while reading this over again. But it’s something much more important than that; because I was assigned to be the director of this Rehlah at the first place, so I feel like writing something about it. Since we were racing against time after all activities, I put my intention for a closing speech on hold and decided to have it here. I think god helped me a lot when I don’t need to see everyone right in the eyes while my tongue carving out issues about feelings, sensitive matter about who’s wrong and who’s right. You see, like I said I was never so good in expressing point of view, let alone to convey opinion especially if this is regarding other people’s emotion we’re talking about.

It might wasn’t a serious matter for one person, but it could be for another. Let us all self reflect.

1)      What do you see your friend as?
-          Housemates, roommates, simply classmates
2)      Do you know how far a friend would do for you?
-          Taking a day off just to accompany you when you’re unwell, drive for miles to fetch you at the train station at night, spent money and secretly buying presents behind your back just to throw a surprise
3)      After being together for 3 year (let’s spare Tamhidi), how well do you know each other
-          Her likes and dislikes, how she is if she’s mad. Some people are just a bit more sentitive than the other, some have tough heart, some’s a bit fragile. When they are upset some would want to be consoled, to be talked to, to be hugged. While some prefer not to be talked to, to be left alone for self-recovery

I personally think someone who stays the same level as yours, doing the same thing as you do, socially connected by the circumstances, is your friend. That's a classmate, a coursemate, a housemate.

Even if you two never talked to each other, it always started with friends by names. In short naturally everybody is everyone's friend. Provided you know her and she knows you. Or at least you two recognize each other's faces, or to some extent having the thought that 'I think we know each other' is enough for two people to be bounded by that word called FRIEND.

How do we measure best friend then? For some if it’s not after a series of slumber party with some pillow fights then ‘we’re not BFF’, without a proper let’s-skip-class-and-don’t-tell-our-mum moments, then ‘we’re not BFF’.

What does it take to be best friends? That caring and sharing moments, being there for each other, someone to lean on, shoulder to cry on, yadayadiyada~. That’s partly true.

Look to it from the other perspective, what does it take to be friends because of Allah? It’s pretty much the same, but the best thing is to have them in your du’a after every prayers. Correct?

Back to the first question, what do you see your friends as? Please see them as a friend because of Allah.

The conclusion, let’s love our friends because of Allah, let’s forgive each other and let us have even sweeter memories for the year 2012 ^^

My deepest gratitude to everyone who’re involved in end-year-party on the first day of New Year. Forgive me for any inconvenience , or if I fail to entertain everyone.
Ps: sometimes I noticed that my tongue is vicious at times, surprisingly more often than not I mean it because I don't lie. And i'm sorry if it hurts anyone. But it makes me wonder was that me being too honest? There’s distinction between being honest and being naïve and innocent. Sometimes I got mixed up, despite being 21.
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