surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Zawani's tossing coin rule

To be truth, the next 10 minutes of yours (or less, depends on how long you spend reading this) might or might not be giving you any benefit. The post this time around is just the freaking me spilling what I have in mind right now (which I guess didn't do much different with the previous post). So always feel free to leave now if you’re not interested. Crap! I kinda made an unofficial vow to myself not to write recklessly here, not to mention posting something personal. But guess I’ve to forgive myself just for this time... again.

P/s: Warning! This may sound a bit pissing off, so forgive me.

Have you ever be in the situation where decision is required? Sure have. Along the growing years we have and those who haven’t I shall say they weren’t human. And I hate those who are indecisive! No exception, and if it so happened I was the one being unable to decide, that’s going to lead me hating myself. Nobody ever said decision making is simple (if not they won’t lecture on decision making in my behavioral science class!) with all the risks taken into account, not just yourself but people around you as well, the consequences and all factors above it. But still, a bad decision is better than not deciding at all. We’re lucky or most likely we’re blessed if the opt we made work our way, but the worst-case scenario is that when it’s the other way around. There’s no turning back in a decision making, what’s left later is definitely the consequences which lead to another chain reaction of decision making. At this point, those who implied the wrong judgment would be given one unspoken chance to atone their fault by making a better judgment and decision. That’s how decision making matures people. There’s no such thing as not deciding just to be on the safe side. By deciding to not decide, isn’t that a decision making?

Only still it’s depressing when I’m unable to decide on what’s right. But there’s always one way that might work for me when all doors of optimism closed; I called it the rule of the coin.

(Hey I might just share my little philosophy on decision making!)

Alert! RIDICULOUSity level to the max!

Coin has head and tail and I don’t know which one to choose, simply because I can’t tell (as such even strong instinct has been turned off). Try to toss it and catch! Peep in between my palms in a slow-mo and I saw tail. My heart sure won’t lie when I feel disdain on this. It means if I’m not happy with tail, most probably I should go with head. Even though it wasn’t such an ultimate decision making, but hey sometimes we need to know what we don’t want, to get to know what we want right.

And I’m done blabbering!

pemisah ridiculousity and reality

Dear Lord
Guide us to The Right Way, the way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, not of those who have earned Your anger, or those who went astray [1:5-7]

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'm ready to cry now part 2

Peace be upon you

Okaeri! (Welcome back). Anticipating for the 2nd part? Here it is (keep scrolling down)

Yeah that’s right, you’ll get there soon

Well actually I lied. There’s no 2nd part to it, sorry to disappoint. If you’re too frustrated feel free to throw your lappy into the washer machine.


[Commercial break]

You: why is Thursday your favorite day? (Puzzled anticipation)
Me: because the next day is Friday (I would answer this with sparkling eyes)
You: and what’s with Friday? (Double puzzled anticipation)
Me: well that’s easy. Because the next day is Saturday and there’s no class on Saturday right.
You: so basically your favorite day is Saturday?
Me: nope it’s Thursday.

Up until I was 17 I used to love Thursday. I longed the feeling of counting down to weekends; it’s like fasting forward the excitement, with this I only have to worry about Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. But it has been a little while since I was that optimist. The me now is more to keep worrying about every day, shame.

That would be enough I guess. Now ladies and gentlemen I present to you (drum roll please).
Ah by the way, sorry I lied about lying (no matter how much you think about this, they won’t cancel each other won’t they?).

“I’m ready to cry now part 2”

It was just recently that I realized I should at least trash them virgin* (rujuk nota kaki di bawah) since I have a lot of free times at home. I bother myself to check out some mails I suppose important by instinct and I saw this 1 sent by Dr. Suhaila Sanip. It says something about the essay writing competition organized by The Goi Peace Foundation and UNESCO and endorsed by the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology of Japan. Seeing the ‘J’* word (rujuk nota kaki di bawah) was more than enough to make my heart escaped my chest. Open to contestant 25 and below. I forgot when exactly this letter went inbox (must be the earliest week of our holidays) but Dr. Suhaila said those who are interested may send in their essay by June 7 to the faculty; that is 3 weeks earlier than the actual closing date, so that the faculty can forward the participation to HEP. I only get to know about this last week and checking out

And here it comes the part where I’m ready to cry

The 1st prize winner will be invited to the award ceremony in Tokyo! Look, I’m not looking forward to the 1st prize since I know my writing level is still crap, but hell putting side by side writing and Japan are within my top obsessions. Besides, an entry won’t harm right. And thinking in advance, having yet to receive a certification by international organization would be profitable ain’t it.

Shut! By then no matter how much I think about it, I know it’s going to be impossible to hand in entry. The reason why Dr. Suhaila announced it way earlier is because there should be procedures right. In order to inform HEP and getting approval from our VC; these won’t settle in a second. And personally for me to compose an 800 words original and unpublished essay about the world peace, I can’t just close my eyes pretending to sleep and go ‘abracadabra’ puff a complete printed essay before my eyes. There sure needs researches, ideas, opinions that could cost me weeks. Even though the entry can be sent via mail, but still they won’t accept individual essays; it has to be accompanied by teachers, director and school approval (sob).

Flash back. This all happened because I didn’t check my mails regularly. Why? Because there were abundant of them. Why? Because I subscribed unnecessary stuff. Why? Well basically because I didn’t think about the consequence back then. Now that I’d learnt the lesson, I had them all unsubscribed and managing my inbox well.

I wonder if there’s still next time.

*nota kaki
-I refer to the unread mails as the virgin mails
-the ‘J’ word stands for Japan

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm ready to cry now part 1

Time passed by, and always; never once stopped. With this too, my inbox yahoo mails were as well never stopped overflowing. There had been a time when the inbox reached over 3000 unread mails. Well, this is the price you’ve got to pay if you do something without thinking.

Wonder what actually had happen?

It started when I first registered into USIM, and yep this is 2 years ago I’m talking about. Having been overwhelmed by unnecessary unbalanced emotions drew me to start subscribing articles from a well-known website regularly. The time when the still naïve me kept worrying how I find it hard to make friends, how embarrassing when I was caught for spacing out in lectures, how frustrating when everyone else but me got full marks in Math pop quiz; well, basically you know what I mean.

I shall say then, I was subscribing the ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul Daily’. With over 20 new mails coming in every day I thought I could make myself busy and stop worrying about whatthehellofdespair I’m getting in. Somehow it didn’t take me long to start ignoring those updates since I found myself fitting in well and getting even busier with classes.

The onset of overspill yahoo mails started then and there. I didn’t bother to check them out or delete them since it would cost me extra minutes to wait for them loading plus the ‘luxurious’ atmosphere of internet connection.
After foundation and moving on to the first year, I’ve never seen this as a problem; most probably no one would email me such important mails anyway. I’ve never even put extra effort to read mails posted by seniors or lecturers; let alone announcement, tutorials, aduan kerosakan, reminders.

There you go. How do find the intro? Most of you must have feel like cooking me right now, anyway. Check out part 2 to know the consequence when you do something without thinking.

P/s: Basically this is just one desperate way to add up my blog post, nothing more.

P/s 2nd version: I personally think my English started to pretty much suck!

P/s 3rd version: Maybe because I’ve been practicing Japanese too much.


I got this from gugu. thanx =), just in case to break the silence by posting something.

THE RULES: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to wipe out my answers and supply your own. After, choose some people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. Tag a bunch of people.

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology".


1. What is your salad dressing of choice?

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Sushi king

3. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Milk and cereal

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?

5. What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter


1. How many televisions are there in your house?

2. The color of your cell phone?
Coal black

3. How long would it take you to look up who invented the Rubber Band?

4. Have any idea how many Megahertz your computer has?
I’m somehow not a geek


1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Teeth, nails

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A carton of mineral water

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Back in elementary school I was knocked down by a friend and I ended up fainted just to prank her


1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Need a little courage to

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Can’t think of any

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
That’s too cheap!


1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
You should ask how many heels I owned

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

3. Last person you talked to??
4. last person you hugged?


1. Season?

2. Holiday? Beach or Island?
Basically there’s beach on an island right? So island

3. Day of the week?
I used to love Thursday

4. Month?


1. Missing someone?

2. Mood?

3. What are you listening to?
Ayaka – Te wo tsunagou (Let’s hold hand)

4. Watching?
Lappy screen


1. First place you went this morning?

2. What's the last movie you saw?
Crow zero II

3. Do you smile often?
Maybe I’ve forgotten how to smile, so I smirk a lot


1. Do you always answer your phone?
Not when I’m sleeping

2. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
An old friend

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?

4. Do you own a digital camera?

5. Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yep and still

6. Favorite Christmas song(s):
Merry Christmas by N’sync

7. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Japanese dictionary

8. Can you do push ups?
Still able to

9. Can you do a chin up?
It somewhat has turned impossible now

10. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous most of the time

11. Do you have any saved texts?

12. Ever been in a car wreck?
Just a minor one

13. Do you have an accent?
Imagine me speaking Japanese

14. What is the last song which made you cry?
Prisoner of love by Utada Hikaru

15. What are your plans for tonight?
No plan

16. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
There were times when I’m feeling inferior and intimated too

17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
A pair of kurung for raya, blouse, tudung

18. Have you ever been given roses?

19. Current worry?
I’m turning tan for some reason

20. Current hate right now
My appetite is annoying lately

21. Met someone who changed your life?

22. How will you bring in the New Year?
Nothing special

23. What song represents you?
Stand by me by The brilliant green

24. Name three people who might complete this?
Anyone, please help yourself

25. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
I’d love to, I won’t change a thing though

26. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
My puppy love lasted along elementary years

27. Do you have any tattoos/piercings?

28. Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Didn’t see that coming

29. Does anyone love you?
I won’t be living by now if there isn’t

30. Ever had someone sing to you?
Well, there were

31. When did you last cry?
If it for a concrete reason (not because of movies or anything), it has to be 2 months ago

32. Do you like to cuddle?

33. Have you held hands with anyone today?
None yet

34. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
I’m a big fan of Backstreet boys!

35. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Neither. Lately I suck in keeping up relationship

36. Do you like pulpy orange juice?

Monday, June 14, 2010


“Don’t even try to get to know me if you can’t handle it, because I’m a freak”

is something I would say in the future. But not right now I guess.

Friday, June 11, 2010

What goes around comes around

They say it’s best to do something the modest way; not too obsessed and not too lenient. For under exaggeration it might turn the other way around.

I used to hate coffee
I used to hate make ups
I used to hate Korean and Japanese entertainment
I used to hate green tea

After few years now, I figured out myself tolerating with those, even becoming a bit obsess;

Started drinking coffee more than 3 times a week
Care to buy moisturizes, toner, sun screen, foundation, make up base
Collecting MV, dramas, k-pop & j-pop
Even did a Japanese Tea Ceremony presentation

So from now on, just be careful in what you’re hating or what you’re liking. It might just switch the other way around.

Only this doesn’t mean you should make me hate you before wanting me to like you. Seriously, it won’t work that way.

Under some deliberation, somehow there is other circumstance where this karma principle doesn’t apply on; regarding faith and religion.

Do hate the wrong things around you
Do encourage the good things around you
And do this with your most enthusiasm
May Allah bless InsyaAllah

green tea anyone?

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