surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Friday, November 25, 2011

How much would you go for?

If there’s a device that can help you increase concentration in class or work, keep you from anxiety and stress, how much would you go for?
A few thousand bucks?

If you care for someone that much, how much would you go for?
Grab the car key in the middle of the night to be by their side?

If you love someone so deep, how much would you go for?
Listen to whatever they said?

If you hate people badly, how much would you go for?
Spit straight on their face?

If you can’t stand it anymore, how much would you go for?
Runaway, regardless?

How much would you go for, in everything you do? There’s always a limitation. There’s always a rule to how you respond things. There’s always a manner to how you treat people.

To the ‘victim’, please know your right
To the ‘criminal’, please stop acting like a selfish moron

the victim?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Leave and stay as I wish


Jumping genes in bacteria, that's called transposons. Make it able to jump from one plasmid to another, or even back and forth any parts of chromosamal DNA. Thanks to transpoase they are able cleave the chain of DNA to leave or stay as they wish.

I wish I could have that enzyme, so that I can be comfortable in places I have to live in. At the moment, it pretty much feels like surviving and barely able to be called life. I wish I could have that enzyme to lyse the wall of awkwardness, to fit in beautifully within the environment and blend in well with all its organelles without paying much attention to adaption.

Despite having life mine as a whole, I always had them separated into fragments. Like life in med school, life outside med school, life with colleagues in campus, life with friends outside campus. Without me knowing it costs me my emotions, it consumes some of my personal time as well. Being sentimental when neither atmosphere makes me feel belonged, when I feel like curling into a ball on my bed and don’t want to do anything because I need time for adaptation. These are the cycle I wished to break, but be ready to surprise I never be able to.

Adaptation, some people treat it as a routine. A routine that they can get over with naturally, with the help of friends and people around, for strong-willed ones these things didn’t even bother them for there’s something out there that’s worth worrying about. But not for me, I remember someone said this to me, a very close friend of mine that I think too much. Way too much over small little things. When I started to hear voices around me and I would suspect myself having bipolar disorder, when there are times I would cry for no concrete reason and I started to relate them with what happened in the past. And without me knowing, I had dug my emotion too deep that it’s almost impossible to conceal it back. That friend of mine ended up listening to everything and sometimes even dissolved the meshwork of unnecessary emotions that has piled up and started suffocating me. Or most of the time she will say "you’re thinking too much".

When such times came, I don’t know why I don’t want to stop thinking. I feel like if I were to just let it passed and act like nothing happened it would be too burdenful. As such I am actually ignoring one side of me that’s craving for tears. And that once I cried my eyes off, the heavy heart gets lighter naturally.

The same goes when I think I don’t belong somewhere. When I get back to hostel from a long holidays for instance, that transition period I called ‘adaptation’, instead of treating it as something casual, it has turned into a disease to me. That ends up giving me unnecessary stress. And this answers why I’ll anyhow try to get back to hostel a few days prior. Because I believe it’s always important for me to be mentally prepared with pressure in lectures, that even just glancing at tonnes of notes would give me ghostbumps, that thinking fastforward to the upcoming classes, assignments, presentation, exam gives me extra chill down the spines.

Well back to the issue, can anyone tell how can I have that transpoase or anything that acts the like so that I won’t suffer too much to adapt?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What's lost in life

Asking patients about their medical histories and past diseases is an important job of doctors. The diagnosis and treatment will then be changed according to their replies.

That’s right. Human do that too; no matter when, human are always affected by their past – a painful past, a bitter past, a sad past. Occasionally, there exists human who are able to get rid of their past completely. But in a typical situation, human have to move forward together with their painful past.

‘Why are human unable to forget about their past?’
‘There’s always a limit to what an individual can do’

If we kept getting bothered by our past, we can’t move forward. The days that have passed, will never return. But it is also impossible to eliminate them. The present that you are living in right now, will become a memory tomorrow. In other words, your past provide evidence of your existence. If that’s so, what should we do? If something or someone from our unexpected or unknown past suddenly appears before us, what should we do? Yes, confrontation.

Everybody has the past that they wished to forget, which overtime they would without them even noticing it. After years of agony of course. The time you moved on, is the time when you’re able to confront the past without tears, without fear. Instead you can stand strong and say ‘I have gone thru this and I survived’

In this journey called life, many are lost along the way
Loved ones
Hated ones
Even virginity
Be it pre or post-matrimonial
‘Why are human unable to forget about their past?’
‘There’s always a limit to what an individual can do’

But there’s never a limit to what Allah can do.

Ask Him for mercy, ask him for strength.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wordless Wednesday #1

ps: pathology tutorial is always on thursday

When you're comfortable

When you're comfortable, you'll do nothing.

If it's a comfortable place, you wouldn't want to leave
If it's a comfortable someone, you wouldn't want to let him go
If it's a comfortable atmosphere, you wish the time would stop
If it's a comfortable post, you wouldn't even want a promotion
If it’s a comfortable grade, you wouldn’t likely to put more effort to study
If it’s a comfortable impression, you wouldn’t want to change yourself

You’ll do nothing when you’re comfortable
But you’ll do nothing when you’re uncomfortable too.

You stick to the same person who made you cry
You won’t ask even when you fail to read the map
You don’t wanna change despite getting adviced
You aren’t intend to apologize even when you’re at fault
You insist to wear high heels knowing it’s bad for your back
You don’t want to leave the pseudocomfortable zone even when you failed the subjects
You won’t walk out and act casually instead even when you entered the wrong venue

That’s blind
That’s arrogant
That’s full of yourself
That’s ego
That’s stubborn
That’s cognition unconsciousness
That’s simply don’t know what to do

As idiophatic as it sounds, for a certain circumstance there’s always time when you simply don’t know what to do. Like you’ve missed a turn on the highway and there’s no u-turn sign. Like you’ve strayed too far that it’s impossible to turn back.

But hey, there’s always a chance to kick that lack-willed ass off and turn a new leave over. Just like there’s always exit in every highway.

Gotta be more optimistic

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

He was taken into custody

At last, he was taken into custody

This might not be so much of a breaking news as it was posted on twitter since a month ago.

Johnny’s Entertainment announced that NEWS members Yamashita Tomohisa and Nishikido Ryo have both left the group. Yamapi will be focusing on his solo career, while Ryo will focus his activities with Kanjani8. NEWS will continue as a 4-member group; Koyama, Shige, Massu, Tegoshi.

The battle of ‘custody’ over Ryo between Kanjani8 and NEWS, at last ended up with Kanjani8 as the winner.

Ryo has once mentioned in an interview, it’s hard for him to be active in both groups; Kanjani8 and NEWS. Plus being active in acting, it sure is tiring. He discussed a lot with Johnny-san, thinking about pursuing with either one of them.

Who knows which group Ryo really preferred (of course for the fans sake, he won’t make this public) but well… I’m glad he’s now in Kanjani8. I personally think he suits there; taking into account his personality and all. Plus everyone in Kanjani8 is from Osaka, so he won’t have to hold back using Kansai-ben!

On the other hand, I feel bad for NEWS; NEWS with 4 members? How would it be? Sure fan will mourn over this. How would they sing their old songs in concerts after this? Maybe ad-lib or recorded version. Now listening to NEWS songs gave me some extra emotional sentiment.

Somehow being Johnny-san, of coure he needs to properly consider both groups (Kanjani8 and NEWS) emotion on this, as well as Ryo’s personally. But most importantly for this CEO, is the marketing value. We all know the selling point of Kanjani8 is mostly because of Ryo, this is probably the major reason why Ryo gets to be in Kanjani8 permanently.

Well after 9 years of running back and forth between NEWS and Kanjani8, there goes our Nishikido Ryo in Kanjani8. I don’t have much comment on Yamapi though. Looking at his pace, I knew it there’s no way other members could keep up with him. With his popularity at its peak, yappa going solo is the best way.

from left: massu, koyama, ryo, shige, tegoshi, yamapi

from left: okura, yokoyama, yassu, subaru, murakami, ryo, maruyama

Ps: till this very day, I’m still searching for Nishikido Ryo’s Half Down music video. I guess they really won’t make one huh!

Friday, November 4, 2011

It has been a while

I missed him, for he hasn’t appeared before my eyes for quite a while.

He was there, in fact he was always there. But I only noticed him during Tamhidi. Someone kinda ‘introduced’ him to me. And I became head over heels in love with him ever since!

oh, anyways~

It was during Tamhidi that I broke my shell of ‘I don’t wanna watch any dramas other than English’; when a friend introduced me Hanakimi. And then was when I noticed Mizushima Hiro (the one who played Nanba senpai).

I love those eye. it's so......intense!

more intense eyes!

He’s such an awesome actor! I did follow his drama afterwards and I fell for him over again watching all his roles;

Absolute Boyfriend
Mei-chan no Shitsuji
Mr. Brain
Tokyo Dogs

I remember Tokyo Dogs was his last drama I watched and I wonder, why until last year (2010) he hasn’t came out with any new roles (Tokyo Dogs was aired in 2009). C’mon, he’s young and good looking and above all, he’s talented (it’s just impossible any producer would overlook that).

But then, early this year was when I figured out Mizushima Hiro has officially quit his acting and modeling career to pursue in writing and literature.

What?! So he has became a full time writer now. No wonder he hasn’t appeared in any dramas anymore! That’s so heart breaking (T_T) because Hiro is one of my favorite actors.

I fell for him right after watching Hanakimi, and then was told by the same friend who introduced me Hanakimi that he’s married. Gosh! He’s 25, young and talented and good looking and…. Married?! Fine! So who cares if he’s married, I still adore his acting and all. And these happened 3 years ago. Btw I started listening to Japanese songs since 2 years ago.

Approximately a year ago, by accident I just got to know that Mizushima Hiro’s wife is Ayaka! Ayaka, one of my favorite singers!

Oh dear, I’ve been adoring both Ayaka and Hiro in parallel without knowing they were married to each other! *shame*

So I went to Google more about them.

These 2 were married in 2009 (after 6 months seeing each other); Mizushima Hiro (24) and Ayaka (21) announced their marriage during a press conference. Fans were shocked with the sudden news and they explained why the decision was so prompt.

Ayaka was diagnosed with Grave’s disease and her condition gradually worsens. Aware of this, Hiro decided to propose to Ayaka so that he can take care of her. He recited one line

‘I will protect her’
*serious macam drama*

Oh my, being that young with a mature decision; that’s my Hiro *whoops, he’s married*
Hiro also claimed, Ayaka is the first woman who made him believe marriage as the extension of courtship, (and shyly Ayaka confessed the same)

at the press conference

Ayaka on the other hand declared that she’s taking sabbatical leave after announcing their marriage, so that she can focus on the treatment and recovering. Recently it is said that she’ll come back from hiatus in 2012. Ayaka-san, I’ll look forward to it! :D
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