surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Leave and stay as I wish


Jumping genes in bacteria, that's called transposons. Make it able to jump from one plasmid to another, or even back and forth any parts of chromosamal DNA. Thanks to transpoase they are able cleave the chain of DNA to leave or stay as they wish.

I wish I could have that enzyme, so that I can be comfortable in places I have to live in. At the moment, it pretty much feels like surviving and barely able to be called life. I wish I could have that enzyme to lyse the wall of awkwardness, to fit in beautifully within the environment and blend in well with all its organelles without paying much attention to adaption.

Despite having life mine as a whole, I always had them separated into fragments. Like life in med school, life outside med school, life with colleagues in campus, life with friends outside campus. Without me knowing it costs me my emotions, it consumes some of my personal time as well. Being sentimental when neither atmosphere makes me feel belonged, when I feel like curling into a ball on my bed and don’t want to do anything because I need time for adaptation. These are the cycle I wished to break, but be ready to surprise I never be able to.

Adaptation, some people treat it as a routine. A routine that they can get over with naturally, with the help of friends and people around, for strong-willed ones these things didn’t even bother them for there’s something out there that’s worth worrying about. But not for me, I remember someone said this to me, a very close friend of mine that I think too much. Way too much over small little things. When I started to hear voices around me and I would suspect myself having bipolar disorder, when there are times I would cry for no concrete reason and I started to relate them with what happened in the past. And without me knowing, I had dug my emotion too deep that it’s almost impossible to conceal it back. That friend of mine ended up listening to everything and sometimes even dissolved the meshwork of unnecessary emotions that has piled up and started suffocating me. Or most of the time she will say "you’re thinking too much".

When such times came, I don’t know why I don’t want to stop thinking. I feel like if I were to just let it passed and act like nothing happened it would be too burdenful. As such I am actually ignoring one side of me that’s craving for tears. And that once I cried my eyes off, the heavy heart gets lighter naturally.

The same goes when I think I don’t belong somewhere. When I get back to hostel from a long holidays for instance, that transition period I called ‘adaptation’, instead of treating it as something casual, it has turned into a disease to me. That ends up giving me unnecessary stress. And this answers why I’ll anyhow try to get back to hostel a few days prior. Because I believe it’s always important for me to be mentally prepared with pressure in lectures, that even just glancing at tonnes of notes would give me ghostbumps, that thinking fastforward to the upcoming classes, assignments, presentation, exam gives me extra chill down the spines.

Well back to the issue, can anyone tell how can I have that transpoase or anything that acts the like so that I won’t suffer too much to adapt?

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