tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53457912345643448842024-03-13T08:28:42.442+08:00whatever she wantsDarkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life age of death. But it is not the end, I found life in me... again...
!!! Discipline wanteD !!!Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.comBlogger316125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-10143397935392447352015-09-04T11:20:00.001+08:002015-09-04T11:20:40.627+08:00Catching up<div>
I miss this feeling; the feeling of taking my own sweet time, writing, pondering. With playlist of my favourite songs in the background (though I have to admit having background songs can easily get your mind drifted, I have to keep my mind on track over again but I don't mind because I have a lot of time to kill now).</div>
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Now let's catch up from where we left off.<div>
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I finished my med school</div>
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And I am also a wife now!</div>
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However we are in a long distance relationship at the moment until early next year. That's about 6 months to go. Words cannot sum up how I feel. But yeah, we're coping thanks to technology. But nothing feels as good as having your loved one next to you.</div>
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By finishing med school, that also means I am jobless right now. There are a lot of procedures to settle before getting a placement (with rumour about overproduction of med school graduates) I don't know how long the process will take.</div>
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It has been about 2 months plus a few weeks after I finished undergrad. I spent a month preparing for my wedding, and the next for honeymoon; the only honeymoon before being a long distance couple.</div>
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It doesn't feel so right being a couch potato the whole time, scrolling down social medias. Now that I have plenty of time, I thought why not try to write a little. Just to past time. Okay fine, blog is also a type of social media, but writing used to be my passion, So I'm trying to dig whatever that's left of that.</div>
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Wish me luck!</div>
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-14204172846795550162015-03-07T12:56:00.001+08:002015-03-07T12:56:50.959+08:00Some things have changed<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Yesterday I
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opinions (especially if it’s about me!), but instead of nagging her, I paused
and continued talking.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</span></span></span><span dir="LTR"></span><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Don’t you think we haven’t been talking much to
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">That was <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>what I told her. And she smiled again.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">She always
listens. </span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-43202412096321030492015-01-13T06:38:00.000+08:002015-01-13T06:38:01.800+08:00Soul searchingApart from reading, writing is something I consider very close to me. Buy sadly I can hardly find time for both now. I remember back in high school, back in the old days where entertainment was very limited (I enrolled a boarding school in a small but decent town down south) I would borrow books from our school library back to back every 3 days. I kinda literally read every novels exist in the library, regardless of genre and author. Because with such a limited access to printed materials, you need to make do with whatever you have. But still, I enjoyed every page. I remember screaming along reading the suspense and panicky plot, sob when it comes to farewell and goodbyes or death, laugh hard my tummy hurts for its humour, and even scared to go to the bathroom alone at 3 o'clock in the morning, for what I read really gets into me. I was emotional and so attached to every books I read. Well this was 10 years back we're talking about. I miss those feelings; where we can escape anywhere we want by just reading, we can have wild imaginations without boundaries by just reading. I still do now actually; that when I read, I became too engrossed that I forgot everything else around me. But this feeling does not come too often now. It's multifactorial really. But I couldn't figure exactly what. Maybe because I was too busy that I rarely read, or the beeping smartphone kept bugging me and inhibit me from reaching emotional orgasm, or I was simply lost. I've been losing myself that I am struggling to collect back memories of what used to be me.<br />
<br />
Writing, on the other hand, is no doubt very me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at things I only write when I'm at my lowest, or when I'm in love (but let's stick to the former). Because I am such a lazy bum to do intellectual writing where you need to do research a lot and be analytical about it before writing about your opinion on stuff. I am more of a soul writer (if that term ever exist) yes I write for the soul. My soul and everybody else whoever feels connected to my pieces. Maybe that's why I don't (or can't) write too often; because these inspiration don't come often. It usually comes at 3 o'clock in the morning (that's already twice 3 o'clock in the same writing) where I usually was already knocked unconscious in my deep sleep. Or when the inspiration came, it's when I have a few hours left before submitting assignments or when I'm on the verge of a very important exams.<br />
<br />
Soul searching is a continuous struggle whether you realize it or not. We all might get distracted with our everyday routines, but at one point we will all ponder on the same thing over and over again. Who am I? Who I wanna be? Am I happy doing what I'm doing?<br />
<br />
And my soul searching journey continues.<br />
Good luck with yours!<br />
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<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-88015753028426115562014-12-01T11:00:00.001+08:002014-12-01T11:09:21.591+08:00Back to DecemberDecember comes with a lot of chills in it<br />
I can't explain why<br />
<br />
Maybe because the countdown to New Year starts now<br />
And we will all leave this year behind with every memories<br />
Yes another year of memories<br />
<br />
Maybe because it's the time of the year when we will start reflecting<br />
About what we have done<br />
Where we have gone to<br />
Who we have met<br />
Who came in and walked out<br />
And who came in to stay<br />
<br />
What we have become<br />
<br />
Maybe because we will become another year older<br />
And with that we are bound to never before obligations<br />
<br />
Maybe because it's winter<br />
Yes. Winter gives you chills<br />
<br />
Chills and coldness.<br />
Cold.<br />
<br />
Maybe because we are getting cold<br />
This cold December brings the solemnness out of us<br />
<br />
And so we are solemn at our best<br />
<br />
<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-90825341971772753232014-03-13T15:10:00.000+08:002014-03-13T15:10:56.274+08:00AgainI don't know what I'm feeling right now<br />
I just don't<br />
<br />
I am feelingless<br />
I am weightless that I float<br />
<br />
My mind is empty<br />
My sight goes beyond walls and crowds<br />
Silence is deafening that my senses are numb<br />
Voices and sounds are no longer awakening<br />
They make me shiver instead<br />
<br />
I am terrified<br />
I am haunted by what I am not certain of<br />
<br />
This breath is deep and heaving<br />
This chest is heavy and sinking<br />
I might as well just give in<br />
I will fall<br />
Again<br />
<br />
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<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-33899319277162274252014-02-14T09:54:00.001+08:002014-02-14T09:55:47.651+08:00Common sense VS freedom of action<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Talking about common sense could be damned baffling sometimes. Because everybody has different standard to what common sense means to them. Though I would say definition of common sense depends of what kind of mentality you have. I will leave that for you to ponder.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While some people has different opinion as to what is common sense and what is freedom of action or individual rights, let's get very basic as to what is lack of common sense. Believe me they are all around you (if you yourself are not).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. The room is filled with bright sunlight and some people still choose to switch on the light (does not apply if it's out of your control, centralized switch control for instance)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Talking loudly (or making noise) next to someone who is sleeping</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Talking loudly (or making noise) near to someone who is performing salah</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. (Ever so common) do-not-use-signals-on-road attitude</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Ordering menus at a restaurant in a rude manner and lack of respect to people just because she's a waitress</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Waitress who thinks customers cannot always be right and does not even smile while taking orders</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. Walking in a big group in the hallway with a damned slow speed and blocking ways for other people who apparently walk faster</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. Do not smile while saying thank you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. Do not say thank you at all</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. Squatting on a sitting toilet bowl at a public toilet!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And of course the many other example.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you did any one above so very often but most of the time you forgot that it is suppose to be a common sense or you did not notice other people are badly affected with your lack of common sense, it's time to self-reflect Ma'am/Sir.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would say scrolling down smartphones while being at a dining table is lack of common sense. But people with smartphones would state otherwise. Apparently it's what they call lifestyle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Again with the smartphone issue.</span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-41765907904855931772014-02-14T08:56:00.000+08:002014-02-14T09:56:00.038+08:00Next time I smile to you, please smile back and mean it<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So near yet so far. This is something literally and figuratively. Imagine being side by side to someone (or even talking to them) yet you still do not feel connected. What have gone wrong? Sometimes it's nothing personal but you just cannot reach their heart and they cannot reach yours. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Believe me I have asked myself this for ages.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't always get to look at people in the eyes and talk to them or smile. But I have tried a lot of times. Just because I want to spent a very short moment even if it was only for a few seconds that there's only us and let's forget about everybody else around. For that few seconds I would give my most genuine smile and waiting for them to smile back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are always two reactions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Those who will smile back right away but ask why</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Those who will smile hesitantly and make weird face and ask why</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I will always answer 'nothing, I just wanna smile to you'. Then there's another two reactions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Those who will continue smiling</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Those who will say 'oookaayyyy' and continue an awkward smile</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Touching hearts is not easy. How often do you feel connected to someone by just looking at them in the eyes? Or by just holding their hands for a few seconds or by talking to them.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did you mean what you said? Did you mean what you did? Did you mean how you felt?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wanna mean what I said. I wanna mean what I did. I wanna mean how I felt.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And exactly what I've been trying to do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nevertheless sometimes I just gave up on some people. Those who continuously checking up their smartphone while talking to me. Those who do not even bother to look at me in the eyes while talking to me. Those who do not put their whole heart into words they said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So from that day and onwards I treated them the same way. Sometimes I do try to fix things but there are times when some things have gone too far that you can't get them back. Some things are just badly broken that you can't do anything to fix it. Some things just do not want to be fixed!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did not gave up on you. You gave up up on me first.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am aware myself needs fixing too. I need more hearts to touch and I wish more will touch mine. I want heart connection.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe I still have issues with those who abuse smartphones and become ignorant.</span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-87012789106908119382014-02-13T19:28:00.001+08:002014-02-13T20:31:18.299+08:00Mind your manner<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am never good with crowd. Not good with loud places, or people. I am not a loud person myself. Even so, there are things you can tolerate and there are things that you just can't.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My point about cannot tolerating people being too loud however does not revolve around being loud per se. But it's when the manner itself compromised common courtesy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Imagine a group of girls dining in at a regular kedai makan, family restaurant, fastfood restaurant or even at their very own faculty cafe. Girls are being girls. They chitchat they laugh. Perhaps sometimes (if not all the time) they laugh a little too loud (or F-ing too loud) that many find them disturbing.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. It's a public place yes but public place does not equal to you-can-make-noises-freely place</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. If your intention is to draw attention of the opposite gender, please know that hysteric kind of laugh is a major turn off</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. If your intention is to show off to other people you have a group of crazy and fun friends to hangout with, please know that lack of public respect and common sense is not something to be proud of</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. If you do not have neither number 2 nor 3 above, please work on your common sense and manner</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. It is so wrong to see females who preach about religion a lot acting the opposite instead (read:being disrespectful)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I could, I would choose to not sit at the same table. It's embarrassing to not have basic manners.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-78818639735387227572014-02-13T13:17:00.001+08:002014-02-14T08:20:21.267+08:00Give a damn<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Trying to start writing again and trying to be myself as much as I could are two different things. And these two different things are so hard to do, be it in the same occasion or even if it's mutually exclusive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I started writing diary since I was 9 and I find it thrilling to have one secret book and write anything you want in it. How you feel, what you wanna do. When I was younger, I want to keep the book all to myself. I would rather die than having anybody at all reading my diary. But as I grow older, I have this feeling that I wish I can share what I wrote about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know, probably because the burden of being an adult is that proportionally with age our problems get bigger too. That you can no longer keep them all to yourself. Only the problem about sharing problem with people is the mutual interest. You can't just walk up to someone and expect them to accept you and your problems. So I stick to writing. Instead of just writing a diary, maybe I should make a post or two about how I feel. Having in mind if anybody at all does care, (s)he will read them and know.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then came this dilemma. Can I just write about how I feel, writing freely and laying the broken me in the form of words and let people read it. Is that the right thing to do? Still. Not many would understand.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">[typing and deleting many many times]</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I still need to get used to start writing and being myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Talking to people about your problems has greater impact than just write and hoping people would read (painful truth is that nobody gives a damn). That if you need help, I'm afraid the latter will further break your heart (at least it is in my case).</span></div>
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-1878892255962812932014-02-13T08:51:00.002+08:002014-02-13T08:59:06.501+08:00Amount of speech not congruent to the thought<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What makes you who you are today? It's multifactorial. What you have gone through since the day you were born until the day you're still breathing today, everything must have taught you lessons; lesson of life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These lessons of life are often informal, it comes spontaneously, unexpectedly. Which in some cases, if one failed to learn it'll just pass as another annoying or frustrating event of life. And the perk of experiencing be it the good, the bad or the ugly occasions is that it makes your life dynamic. It changes how you think, how you treat people, how you see things, how you would respond to the same thing differently or even how to overcome new things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Apart of what I have gone through, my decisions of who or what I wanna be too, became what made me who I am.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are (or were I am not sure) three main personal factors that make me who I am. That if I have all three, I can proudly say I am being myself, I'm not being someone else and this is me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The me who thinks and be thoughtful</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The me who is able to talk about her thoughts</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The me who is able to write about her thoughts</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Honestly, I will naturally think a lot. I guess this is nothing new, we all do. And I love to talk (originally) and I love to write. Talking about the dynamics of life affected by all the experiences you gone through and decisions you made (in this case what I've gone through and what I made) I find as if it's better for me to not talk and to restrict my writing (which later I find it wrong).</span></div>
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</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since I've explained the reason why I stopped writing in my previous two post, this post will reveal why I decide to stop public speaking and talking to other people as in general.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I used to be a debater and I enjoyed my years as one. I started as early as when I was 14 and it lasted throughout high school, pre-university and the first two years of MBBS. Later I find my interest changed. I decided to stop debating for a lot of complicated reasons.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Joining tournaments consumed a lot of my days. Some days I had to miss one whole week of lectures</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. I am not really a bright student and I feel bad for myself for skipping lectures</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. I am the only one in the whole class (of 57 students) who joined the English debate team (we have Arabic and Malay debaters though but I guess they don't have as many tournament). Things get hard if you don't have people with the same interest especially when you need to skip a lot of classes</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Being the only debater in class also means I don't have anyone to practice with. Number one because majority of my classmates do not speak English as communication medium extensively and number two because I don't really have friends</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Having no friends adds up to the stress of not having moral and mental supports everytime I'm joining tournaments</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Lack of practice made my debating skill rusty. Rusty debate skill made me feel intimidated to join more tournaments</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. And the vicious cycle starts and continues</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hence bring me to a decision to stop debating. Which is sad. Stopped debating also means losing the only talking friends I probably have. Next thing I figured, I've stopped talking and giving speech in a drastic manner.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thinking and talking is closely interrelated. You talk about what you think about. Whilst talking makes your brain keeps working and processing about what you should speak next. This cycle is what makes you speech fluent. That's why practice is very important for public speaking. As my public speaking activity ceased and what more not having regular friends to talk to even in regular basis, I feel as if my brain is dying!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not being able to do what you love is indeed frustrating and sad. And in this case, it is not based on my personal decision primarily, but rather after taking into account and considering a few other factors. My confidence level is deteriorating these days.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that's how I've lost the me I was. I'm hoping I can find her soon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being in places that don't make you feel belonged sometimes makes you wonder are you at the right place, being with the right people, and making the right decision.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aRtq8acNYmc/UvwUG6w64YI/AAAAAAAADq8/4BmNRsmSVGk/s1600/IMG_3162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aRtq8acNYmc/UvwUG6w64YI/AAAAAAAADq8/4BmNRsmSVGk/s1600/IMG_3162.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finding the missing part of me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-11343718916383917742014-02-13T07:35:00.001+08:002014-02-13T07:35:23.725+08:00Reason to cry<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everybody cries.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But not everybody cries for the same reason.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A small matter to you might be big for other people and what appears a big deal to you might not be important to them.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hence the conclusion.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) everybody struggles. In different things, differently</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) be sensitive</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess smartphones and gadgets has desensitized people from their surrounding, making them less sensitive and ignorant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n34oHxxLvtM/UvwE3XsDEtI/AAAAAAAADqs/5e8ZKTpu6WU/s1600/IMG_4769.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n34oHxxLvtM/UvwE3XsDEtI/AAAAAAAADqs/5e8ZKTpu6WU/s1600/IMG_4769.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hope next time I can put up pics from my personal collection</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-8692735914919056062014-02-12T18:37:00.001+08:002014-02-12T18:46:31.378+08:00I really should start writing again<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salam and hi!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I haven't been updating for months now. But I guess I can't be giving the same excuse this time, as I did like gazilion times before which was I've been busy with studies. Because truth is, I never was (I'm not a typical medical student and I don't study that hard and that much).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've taken a damned long break from writing and there are a lot of reasons why.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) I've lost interest in writing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) I've no idea as of what to write about</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3) A lot of my friends have been shutting down their blogs (they had!) because I don't know maybe Twitter and tumblr is more popular now</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4) Do I even have loyal readers still?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5) I thought I should stop lingering on the net and take studies more seriously now (which I know will never work because I apparently only study whenever I feel like it)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6) I'm tired of being myself and write what I Iove about and eventually being judged because of it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7) Or I can't even find myself through writing anymore because I could only write what pleases people and a big chunk of my thoughts need to be cropped and filtered before I could actually publish them simply because I don't want people to judge me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8) I don't want people to judge me from my reckless posts</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9) So I need to take months off and reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. To neutralize myself before starting to write again</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10) A few points are interrelated</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And after giving a long thought about it, at last a decision is made. That I will start writing again!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1dTZXFpd5ME/UvtFNxOh3KI/AAAAAAAADqQ/ACSWD9M7rCk/s1600/IMG_6493.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1dTZXFpd5ME/UvtFNxOh3KI/AAAAAAAADqQ/ACSWD9M7rCk/s1600/IMG_6493.PNG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's me on my Twitter a few hours ago</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually there are 2 major and 1 minor reasons why I wanted to start writing again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Major reason number one is because I'm getting worse in expressing myself verbally. Not primarily because I don't talk to people. But rather it's because I don't talk to people secondary to people not listening to me. And it hurts so bad not having someone to talk to. I was almost psychotic trying to bottle everything inside so I guess the best way is to let them out in a different way read:writing. Something I thought I'm quite okay at (if not good).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Major reason number two is *drumrolls* because of a guy. Well gender probably is not the main point here. I accidentally 'bumped' into this one blog virtually, and reading it makes me wanna write again. Honestly I've came across a lot of good writers before (be it non-fictional books, novels or blogs) but this one, made me missed the old me so much. I felt so connected with one of his particular post.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_7IAudbzbQ/UvtIbYCusTI/AAAAAAAADqc/p5XWXU6rwEE/s1600/IMG_6496.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_7IAudbzbQ/UvtIbYCusTI/AAAAAAAADqc/p5XWXU6rwEE/s1600/IMG_6496.PNG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The particular blogpost that moved me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This blog belongs to Redza Minhat. The one some of us (if not all) knows as an actor and probably not many of us knows as an investment analyst. What probably only I know is that he is one of MCKK's oldboys! (again that is not the main point).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I figured that the main reason why I almost gave up writing is because I wasn't being myself. Instead of writing about what matters to me, I write about what matters to other people instead. I write just to please people. To make people happy (which in the end took its toll on me because you can't please everybody!) I fear of people judging me for instance if I use the 'F' word. Of course that's just one of the many examples. I'm tired being a good girl just because people expect me to. I don't have that many friends while being a good girl now it won't differ much if I am a b*tch anyway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back to the main issue. So the one minor reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I probably have a lot of time to kill. Now this is the tricky part.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a medical student yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am only a year and a few months away from my final MBBS exam yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I do have a lot of subjects to study yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I should use most of my time studying instead of doing something else yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I only study whenever I feel like it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hence explains why I claimed to have a lot of time to kill.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Footnotes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Redza wrote 'hear,hear' at every end of his post. Does that means he was once a debater too? I like!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-44373547671240804222013-10-27T11:42:00.000+08:002013-10-27T11:42:06.076+08:00Song I grew up withA few years ago when my sister was still in her undergraduate studies in UM, I used to hang out with her. She would pick me up from hostel and we'll spend some sister time over the weekend. I remember in the car, she only had her CD played; all the old tracks from the 90s.<br />
<br />
Back then, I kept asking her why. What's with the nostalgic songs? Can't we just listen to the radio and enjoy the latest music buzz? And she only replied 'I need soothing music'.<br />
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And yes, back then I didn't understand why. Now that I'm in my early 20s I figured I'm becoming more like my sister a few years ago; I prefer the 90s songs to be played in the car. I don't even bother to tune the frequency to get my previously favourite radio station on air. Just myself and the songs I grew up with.<br />
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The songs I grew up with. Now that I'm going through the 20s blues, I could relate it. Well not so much of the blues. It's pretty much like I've lived for 2 decades now, I think I've started to miss my tender years; the years of carefree and worry-free. And all the good songs too!<br />
<br />
Back then when all the songs were about it's original music and lyrics that moved you.<br />
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Here's one of them.<br />
Honestly I could cry just listening to the lyrics.<br />
And of course, Nora nailed it with the perfect pitch!<br />
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Mind you, this song was published in 1995.<br />
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Ps: Nothing to do with my current relationship status! lol!<br />
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<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-62635329548346558532013-10-20T18:55:00.002+08:002013-10-20T18:55:52.455+08:00Currently addicted to #6RnB has got to be among the most addictive genre. Ditching typical mainstream unplugged and acoustic melody, or even classical instrumental piece, contemporary RnB these days nailed it gorgeously with a more urban element using more of electronic instruments or synthesizer.<br />
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The only turn off point of this genre is voice autotune (apart from sexual element in almost all of its music video). I somehow feels that a song won't serve it's purpose as an artistic manifestation of a pure talent when one's voice is autotuned. What a waste of a good song.<br />
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But this piece is an exception. Jhené Aiko has a god-given angelic voice that her live version of the song has the same quality of the studio version if not better.<br />
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Well written lyrics and endearing music.<br />
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-24956054412414676302013-10-20T18:34:00.001+08:002013-10-20T18:34:42.243+08:00Currently addicted to #5There are so many elements we would root for in a song before deciding to listen to it till the end. I'm the type who always pay attention to the lyrics; what's a good song without a good, deep and meaningful lyrics. But the factor that gives impact to listener to keep listening to the song has got to be it's music intro. Evaluation on the lyrics will come later.<br />
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This is one piece of music which does not impress we with it's wordy flowery lyrics. Instead the music alone is able to mesmerize me.<br />
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It's as if the time stops, and it feels like I'm in a different dimension of the parallel world.<br />
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<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-28217944014704296952013-09-06T18:57:00.001+08:002013-09-06T18:57:27.422+08:00This distanceThis distance we have between us is killing me<br />
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Here I am and there you are<br />
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So close yet so far</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
In this room</div>
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</div>
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I see you but I can't reach you</div>
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I can reach you but I can't reach your heart</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've tried to fix things</div>
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But was it just me?</div>
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<br /></div>
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You seemed busy</div>
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Too busy to notice me </div>
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<br /></div>
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I would do anything for us to start talking again</div>
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Why did things change so much?</div>
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Why did you?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gFtBDXKNKPM/Uim00KvtaeI/AAAAAAAACMA/cBzspcqk67I/s1600/from+afar+by+Lisa+Golightly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gFtBDXKNKPM/Uim00KvtaeI/AAAAAAAACMA/cBzspcqk67I/s1600/from+afar+by+Lisa+Golightly.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From afar by Lisa Golightly</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-54050107595814184632013-08-25T01:02:00.000+08:002013-08-25T01:02:06.293+08:00The other side part 2<a href="http://misszwen.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-other-side.html" target="_blank">The other side</a> part 2<br />
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<br /></div>
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A few paths of life were laid before me</div>
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And I need to choose which world I want to live in</div>
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One path is obviously smoother than the other</div>
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<br /></div>
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One is beautifully decorated, destination is predicted and straight without confusing junctions</div>
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While the other is dark, uncertain, non-promising, full of mystery and not yet known risks</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I don't fancy adventure that much</div>
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But I don't fancy mainstream plot either</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I am comfortable with this life I'm currently living in</div>
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But sometimes I just don't feel belonged</div>
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And it's too tempting to step out into the other life beyond</div>
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<br /></div>
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Typical assurance versus uncertain diversity</div>
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<br /></div>
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Choose<br />
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-85888460023106705292013-08-24T18:29:00.001+08:002013-08-24T18:29:06.923+08:00Currently addicted to #4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Pink always has her own fascinating way to nail down her songs and she's one of the most talented singer and songwriter I've ever known. Hands down.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But Jayesslee, the Korean twin sisters (Janice & Sonia) currently residing in Australia, has such an alluring angelic voice that they managed to turn Pink's masterpiece into an acapella version.</div>
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And I'm currently addicted to it.</div>
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<br />Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-63554990692169337732013-07-21T14:13:00.000+08:002013-07-21T14:13:00.593+08:00Retrospective attempt<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I remember not long ago I told myself that I
would never post anything about my personal life, two years ago to be exact (or
three). Instead I would write about mushy melancholic poems, some street
masterpiece of whatever that crossed my mind. Lines by lines and pharaghraphs of
written thoughts nobody can decode. After years now, I feel like I would change
my mind. I need to at least write something about what I do. Well after all,
campus life, friends, studies are not quite personal are they?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The only three posts I had on my clinical
life were during my Community Health, General Surgery, and Internal Medicine
rotations. Afterward I stopped. Don’t talk about time, I would always find
sometime if I really wanted to write. More important reason why I don’t update
entries further related to my clinical life is because I just don’t feel like
it. Everytime I brought myself to hangout longer typing on my keyboard to
update the blog, there’s always an unexplained feeling clouding my head. I can’t
think straight and I just feel like lying on bed. Nobody’s at fault, it’s just
that lately I’m trying hard to cope with my ever stormy emotions; the crying spell,
the feeling of worthlessness, the suicidal thoughts, and the helplessness. Ahh well,
I’m fine now. Don’t worry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve officially ended my 4<sup>th</sup>
year and am now having my own sweet time enjoying holidays and celebrating
Ramadhan at home. Couple of months ago I had my Obstetrics and Gynecology, Forensic
Medicine, Entrepreneurship and General Practice postings. I would love to write
about each and every one of them here. But I guess there’s not much memory left
in my head. I’ll try though. Let’s walk down the memory lane for a bit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The truth is, I hate walking down the
memory lane. I hate to be reminded of the past. Bitter or sweet, memories are
all past tense. And whoever gets too attached to the past will later get entangled
by them and strangled until their emotions left suffocated. So yeah, I’m never
that good with memories.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">But anyway, I shouldn’t get too emotional.
I’ll start gathering some flashback and retrospective thoughts of what actually
happened a few months ago and I shall write them down. Pictures. There are a
lot of pictures to help me remember them all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ll keep those entries coming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2eYrqjyperE/Uet6_nn7qzI/AAAAAAAACLA/r5kmugQVr24/s1600/tiang.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2eYrqjyperE/Uet6_nn7qzI/AAAAAAAACLA/r5kmugQVr24/s320/tiang.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-91430879577913368052013-06-17T09:54:00.000+08:002013-06-17T10:05:52.510+08:00Currently addicted to #3<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span lang="EN-US">I
could hardly admit this as an addiction. But when it’s on your playlist
replayed 24/7 back to back, maybe it is. It’s not just the melody, but the
message.</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I can’t seem to figure what this song is
about at first. Not until 0:43</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">And you should probably stick longer
too.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/jLIeEmydayI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-US">Strangely I feel related.</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">My eyes were moist with tears to even
imagine if he’s gonna cut himself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Don’t please.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Don’t cut.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Whatever it is hold on stronger please.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Nobody can feel the empathy of an
individual who’s at the edge of suicide.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Whatever they’re thinking.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">The helplessness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Unless you’ve been there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Or done that.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">This is cliché but…</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-US">No one’s able to save you from yourself
but you.</span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">So keep going.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Stay alive and stay strong.</span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-57157410002547489182013-06-16T19:14:00.001+08:002013-06-16T19:14:51.811+08:00The other side<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You're like the other side of me.</span><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The part of me no one else ever knew about.</span><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You're the part of me no one ever knew existed.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You're the mysterious part of me.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I even wonder if I'm myself when I'm with you.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or it's merely just an escape from the other world I'm living.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I wonder if I'm ready to merge the two worlds or just live in either.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I'm not sure if I will ever choose to ditch the world I'm currenty in just to be with you.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't even tell if you're for real.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But fair enough to know that you're not a part of fantasy.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I don't really know where do I belong.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Here with everybody else.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or there with you.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or do I?</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-byoMsikLQNk/Ub2eJyrz2-I/AAAAAAAACKw/dsz3DsInew0/s640/blogger-image--1648893900.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-byoMsikLQNk/Ub2eJyrz2-I/AAAAAAAACKw/dsz3DsInew0/s640/blogger-image--1648893900.jpg"></a></div><br></div><br></span></div>Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-11036654600431882092013-06-04T11:28:00.002+08:002013-06-04T11:35:48.613+08:00Crawling<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><i><span lang="EN-US">There's something inside me that pulls
beneath the surface<br />
Consuming</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Confusing<br />
This lack of self control I fear is never ending<br />
Controlling<br />
<br />
I can't seem to find myself again</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">My walls are closing in</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Without a sense of confidence</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">I'm convinced that there's just too much
pressure to take</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">I've felt this way before</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">So insecure<br />
<br />
Discomfort</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Endlessly has pulled itself upon me</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Distracting</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Reacting</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Against my will I stand beside my own reflection</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">It's haunting how I can't seem to find
myself again</span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">My walls are closing in</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Without a sense of confidence</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">I'm convinced that there's just too much
pressure to take</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">I've felt this way before</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">So insecure</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Crawling in my skin</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">These wounds they will not heal</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Fear is how I fall</span></i><br />
<i><span lang="EN-US">Confusing what is real</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span lang="EN-US"><i>-Crawling, Linkin Park-</i></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://chaoticsoulzzz.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/confusion_by_kolenya.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://chaoticsoulzzz.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/confusion_by_kolenya.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS Mincho"; mso-fareast-language: JA;"></span>Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-32165279642685912532013-05-24T19:12:00.001+08:002013-06-04T11:15:00.500+08:00Yang Terbaik<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aku bukanlah insan yang terbaik.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aku bukanlah insan yang terbaik. Namun
begitu, selalu aku menginginkan yang terbaik untuk diriku. Kerana aku tahu yang
terbaik itu datangnya hanya dariMu.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aku rindukan seorang sahabat. Sahabat yang
bila aku mengadu kesedihan padanya, akan disambut dengan senyuman, dibalas
dengan usapan lembut di kepala. Diiringi dengan kata-kata hikmah yang indah.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ingin sekali aku memiliki sahabat yang akan
mengingatkan aku..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Sayang.. Ujian itu semuanya datang dari
Allah. Tentunya Dia Maha Tahu apa yang terbaik buatmu. Kamu tidak perlu gusar
dan risau. Dia sentiasa bersama kamu. Kesedihan itu cumanya sementara. Apa kamu
lupa dunia ini juga bukan kekal. Nah. Menangislah semahunya jika itu
meringankan berat hatimu. Tetapi ingat, jangan pernah berputus asa”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Usai solat bersama, lalu aku pun berbaring
di pehanya dan menangis semahunya, namun dia tidak akan mengeluh jika kain
telekungnya basah dek air mataku.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dan sahabat itu tidak akan pernah menilai
aku mengikut pandangan dunia semata. Kerana dia tahu manusia tidak pernah akan
sempurna. Kerana dia tahu pandangan yang paling mulia adalah pandangan Allah
Yang Maha Kuasa.</span></div>
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Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-37604419717242813942013-05-01T11:36:00.000+08:002013-05-01T11:36:21.015+08:00Walking down the memory lane<div style="text-align: left;">
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<![endif]--><span lang="EN-US">Everybody makes mistake. These are the easiest words to say when
something goes wrong. Eventhough most would have hard times uttering it, but I
believe one won’t say it to be taken lightly. Just like when people say ‘sorry
seems to be the hardest word’, no matter how sincerely you meant it, the
message is never that easy to reach the other side. To convince, to get
yourself trusted again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">Having said this, many still have double standard when going through
such situation. They’ll start to bash and punish everybody who made mistakes
but when it comes to them, as if they didn’t see it coming they’d simply say
‘people make mistake’ and expect forgiveness right away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I have been on both sides. The one who made mistake and the victim
who suffered after it was all said and done. And neither one has been easy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">But this has taught me one thing</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-US">What goes around comes around</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I am the type who would admit if I'm wrong. Sincerely as sincerest
as I could if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me. On the other hand
if you just wanna make myself look stupid begging for you to forgive me and not
even intended to do so but you just want that pleasure of seeing my ego gets as
low as the ground, let me be the first one to tell you that it’s not going to
happen.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">Literally I can offer you my apology. But I’ll also let you know
that I’m pretty good at giving people what they want without giving them the
pleasure of having it.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kwD9d184xUU/UYCMvaifp1I/AAAAAAAACIY/x6oCDcIPDNM/s1600/classic.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kwD9d184xUU/UYCMvaifp1I/AAAAAAAACIY/x6oCDcIPDNM/s320/classic.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">classic!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; text-indent: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">Ps: walking down the memory lane was never a good idea</span></div>
Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345791234564344884.post-30578999854302689012013-04-21T21:20:00.000+08:002013-04-21T21:20:10.509+08:00This close!Done with Isyak.<br />
<br />
Facial toner. Mosturizer. Acne cream.<br />
<br />
Body lotion.<br />
<br />
Hair bun.<br />
<br />
A cup of coffee.<br />
<br />
Medical books.<br />
<br />
Too close. Until I have my laptop on. YouTube.<br />
<br />
30 minutes. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours.<br />
<br />
Glance at the clock. Almost one. Sleepy. Let's sleep.<br />
<br />
I'm always this close (real close!) to studying. Almost every night. And of course I never really succeeded. Yea I'm not a typical medical student who stays up all night.<br />
<br />
Let's hope I won't get distracted tonight.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLoh0-NFKeA/UXPnNGvEhcI/AAAAAAAACII/_dZswUTFgks/s1600/too+tired.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLoh0-NFKeA/UXPnNGvEhcI/AAAAAAAACII/_dZswUTFgks/s320/too+tired.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Ps: Dang I can spend hours exploring YouTube sidebars!Zawani Zainudinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15286540436736187021noreply@blogger.com0