surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Amount of speech not congruent to the thought

Salam and hi!

What makes you who you are today? It's multifactorial. What you have gone through since the day you were born until the day you're still breathing today, everything must have taught you lessons; lesson of life.

These lessons of life are often informal, it comes spontaneously, unexpectedly. Which in some cases, if one failed to learn it'll just pass as another annoying or frustrating event of life. And the perk of experiencing be it the good, the bad or the ugly occasions is that it makes your life dynamic. It changes how you think, how you treat people, how you see things, how you would respond to the same thing differently or even how to overcome new things.

Apart of what I have gone through, my decisions of who or what I wanna be too, became what made me who I am.

There are (or were I am not sure) three main personal factors that make me who I am. That if I have all three, I can proudly say I am being myself, I'm not being someone else and this is me.

The me who thinks and be thoughtful
The me who is able to talk about her thoughts
The me who is able to write about her thoughts

Honestly, I will naturally think a lot. I guess this is nothing new, we all do. And I love to talk (originally) and I love to write. Talking about the dynamics of life affected by all the experiences you gone through and decisions you made (in this case what I've gone through and what I made) I find as if it's better for me to not talk and to restrict my writing (which later I find it wrong).
Since I've explained the reason why I stopped writing in my previous two post, this post will reveal why I decide to stop public speaking and talking to other people as in general.

I used to be a debater and I enjoyed my years as one. I started as early as when I was 14 and it lasted throughout high school, pre-university and the first two years of MBBS. Later I find my interest changed. I decided to stop debating for a lot of complicated reasons.

1. Joining tournaments consumed a lot of my days. Some days I had to miss one whole week of lectures
2. I am not really a bright student and I feel bad for myself for skipping lectures
3. I am the only one in the whole class (of 57 students) who joined the English debate team (we have Arabic and Malay debaters though but I guess they don't have as many tournament). Things get hard if you don't have people with the same interest especially when you need to skip a lot of classes
4. Being the only debater in class also means I don't have anyone to practice with. Number one because majority of my classmates do not speak English as communication medium extensively and number two because I don't really have friends
5. Having no friends adds up to the stress of not having moral and mental supports everytime I'm joining tournaments
6. Lack of practice made my debating skill rusty. Rusty debate skill made me feel intimidated to join more tournaments
7. And the vicious cycle starts and continues

Hence bring me to a decision to stop debating. Which is sad. Stopped debating also means losing the only talking friends I probably have. Next thing I figured, I've stopped talking and giving speech in a drastic manner.

Thinking and talking is closely interrelated. You talk about what you think about. Whilst talking makes your brain keeps working and processing about what you should speak next. This cycle is what makes you speech fluent. That's why practice is very important for public speaking. As my public speaking activity ceased and what more not having regular friends to talk to even in regular basis, I feel as if my brain is dying!

Not being able to do what you love is indeed frustrating and sad. And in this case, it is not based on my personal decision primarily, but rather after taking into account and considering a few other factors. My confidence level is deteriorating these days.

And that's how I've lost the me I was. I'm hoping I can find her soon.

Being in places that don't make you feel belonged sometimes makes you wonder are you at the right place, being with the right people, and making the right decision.

Finding the missing part of me

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