surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I really should start writing again

Salam and hi!

So I haven't been updating for months now. But I guess I can't be giving the same excuse this time, as I did like gazilion times before which was I've been busy with studies. Because truth is, I never was (I'm not a typical medical student and I don't study that hard and that much).

I've taken a damned long break from writing and there are a lot of reasons why.

1) I've lost interest in writing
2) I've no idea as of what to write about
3) A lot of my friends have been shutting down their blogs (they had!) because I don't know maybe Twitter and tumblr is more popular now
4) Do I even have loyal readers still?
5) I thought I should stop lingering on the net and take studies more seriously now (which I know will never work because I apparently only study whenever I feel like it)
6) I'm tired of being myself and write what I Iove about and eventually being judged because of it
7) Or I can't even find myself through writing anymore because I could only write what pleases people and a big chunk of my thoughts need to be cropped and filtered before I could actually publish them simply because I don't want people to judge me
8) I don't want people to judge me from my reckless posts
9) So I need to take months off and reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. To neutralize myself before starting to write again
10) A few points are interrelated

And after giving a long thought about it, at last a decision is made. That I will start writing again!

That's me on my Twitter a few hours ago
Actually there are 2 major and 1 minor reasons why I wanted to start writing again. 

Major reason number one is because I'm getting worse in expressing myself verbally. Not primarily because I don't talk to people. But rather it's because I don't talk to people secondary to people not listening to me. And it hurts so bad not having someone to talk to. I was almost psychotic trying to bottle everything inside so I guess the best way is to let them out in a different way read:writing. Something I thought I'm quite okay at (if not good).

Major reason number two is *drumrolls* because of a guy. Well gender probably is not the main point here. I accidentally 'bumped' into this one blog virtually, and reading it makes me wanna write again. Honestly I've came across a lot of good writers before (be it non-fictional books, novels or blogs) but this one, made me missed the old me so much. I felt so connected with one of his particular post.

The particular blogpost that moved me
This blog belongs to Redza Minhat. The one some of us (if not all) knows as an actor and probably not many of us knows as an investment analyst. What probably only I know is that he is one of MCKK's oldboys! (again that is not the main point).

I figured that the main reason why I almost gave up writing is because I wasn't being myself. Instead of writing about what matters to me, I write about what matters to other people instead. I write just to please people. To make people happy (which in the end took its toll on me because you can't please everybody!) I fear of people judging me for instance if I use the 'F' word. Of course that's just one of the many examples. I'm tired being a good girl just because people expect me to. I don't have that many friends while being a good girl now it won't differ much if I am a b*tch anyway.

Back to the main issue. So the one minor reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I probably have a lot of time to kill. Now this is the tricky part.

I am a medical student yes.
I am only a year and a few months away from my final MBBS exam yes.
I do have a lot of subjects to study yes.
I should use most of my time studying instead of doing something else yes.
But I only study whenever I feel like it.
Hence explains why I claimed to have a lot of time to kill.
So there.

Redza wrote 'hear,hear' at every end of his post. Does that means he was once a debater too? I like!

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