Trying to start writing again and trying to be myself as much as I could are two different things. And these two different things are so hard to do, be it in the same occasion or even if it's mutually exclusive.
I started writing diary since I was 9 and I find it thrilling to have one secret book and write anything you want in it. How you feel, what you wanna do. When I was younger, I want to keep the book all to myself. I would rather die than having anybody at all reading my diary. But as I grow older, I have this feeling that I wish I can share what I wrote about.
I don't know, probably because the burden of being an adult is that proportionally with age our problems get bigger too. That you can no longer keep them all to yourself. Only the problem about sharing problem with people is the mutual interest. You can't just walk up to someone and expect them to accept you and your problems. So I stick to writing. Instead of just writing a diary, maybe I should make a post or two about how I feel. Having in mind if anybody at all does care, (s)he will read them and know.
Then came this dilemma. Can I just write about how I feel, writing freely and laying the broken me in the form of words and let people read it. Is that the right thing to do? Still. Not many would understand.
[typing and deleting many many times]
I still need to get used to start writing and being myself.
Talking to people about your problems has greater impact than just write and hoping people would read (painful truth is that nobody gives a damn). That if you need help, I'm afraid the latter will further break your heart (at least it is in my case).