Finding the other half

Who would have thought thinking about who's actually going to be your other half feels close as heartbreaking as breaking up. Not in a very similar way but, pretty much.

It's a never ending puzzle. Who knows? ALLAH knows. Yes HE knows.

How many of us jumped into a relationship with the thought of getting married in the end. But along the way things didn't go so well as planned. And there were times when even though nothing has went wrong, but it just...didn't feel right. How could you be so confident of wanting that particular someone to be the ultimate Mr.Right or the Prince Charming when you know nothing is going to be definite. As long as a legal knot is not tied, how are you actually able to open up your heart to someone. This gave me a slap in the face. What if he's not the one for me? So ever since, I decided to not get involved in this game for two.

The hardest part is when people keep coming and knocking my door. It's not that easy to tell people off. To explain to them why I decided to not be in any kind of intimate relationship with anyone. How am I suppose to make people understand I'm actually reserving myself for the one who deserves when I myself am clueless of who I'll end up with?

Given my age. This age, the time has come for people to start talking about marriage and stuff. That's one of the perks being in the 20s. I on the other hand tried my best to not talk about it because it seems too redundant. Redundant as in, here and there everyone (almost) is talking about soul mates, early marriage, and stuff. I avoided as much talking about related topics because I find it insignificant to shriek over other people's (so-called) sweet love stories.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any issue with those who decided to tie a knot even before graduating and having stable income. But what's more important to me is to establish my own philosophy and a concrete reason and understanding of the decision behind that marriage itself. It's not merely wanting to have someone accompanying you for lunch at the campus cafe, or someone who's willing to keep you wide awake and study together when exam's approaching. It's more than that.

The responsibility. The word is self explanatory. Enough said.

Trying is good enough. Go on and try to find you future spouse. Where there's a will, there's a way right. Working your ways to marriage. Good for you. But I think at this point of my life, I don't mind even if what awaits me in the near future is an arranged marriage. What can be more important than two people meeting and wanting to be with each other because of HIM?

I know I sounded like a 40 year old unmarried mak cik. But I mean it. Hey. Of course! Which girl doesn't want a true love who knows her in and out, tried his best to win her heart and have that very gut to propose to her? I know I'm probably too young to be taken seriously. But I'm old enough to learn the rationale behind this phrase 'Hubb Fillah'.

Ask any girl out there what they want in a guy. They'll answer, the one who understands, who listens, who'll love unconditionally yadayada.

Here's my answer. I don't mind if my future spouse have not even seen me before, have never known me before, as long as he's ready to step another level ahead of completing this Deen and work with me together for His blessings. I'm up for him.

Reason being? I can't risk my heart for a heartbreak. And because there's a limitation in a relationship, even friendship between two different genders. We call it ikhtilat.

Someone who loves HIM first before decided to go after me.

Any takers?

This is not the matter of promoting myself. More importantly I didn't write this simply because I'm fresh-from-the-oven frustrated or broken hearted. I just needed to highlight the basis of principle I stand up for. Tired of being overwhelmed with dilemmas.

Mystery

Life needs some element of mystery
It shouldn't be an open book. That's how I see it as. Because I believe what's limited from public access is special. Something only a few people know is special. So what's special to you? Maybe by letting as much people informed, so it's a unique event to you. Thus that what makes it special. Do enlighten me.

Often times I worried what I do, what I did revealed too much of myself. Only last time I checked they weren't. Only thing revealed is how mysterious, emotional, and unpredictable I am. It's somehow a bliss. A bliss that when people know less about you, they'll be more careful around you.

You. Remember the reason why we're friends at the first place? Guess it means nothing to you anymore ain't it. You're no one to me now but we shared the same memories.

We've stopped talking for unknown reason. I don't wanna sound disappointed because I'm not. Because I need to thank you for making things less complicated now.

free like a ballerina

Luluh

Saat jemari bertemu papan kekunci
Saat mata bertemu hamparan karya alam maya
Nampaknya gugusan jernih juga mahu menemani

Mata berkaca

Kesilapan demi kesilapan
Apa lagi yang boleh dijangka daripada insan bernama manusia?

Aku bukan malaikat
Aku yang masih merangkak dalam usaha bersama secebis amalku
Tetapi aku pasti sampai satu tahap
Akan terdetik di benak akan kepentingan menjaga kesucian ikhtilat

Kepentingan menjaga kesucian ikhtilat
Biarlah manusia bersama pendapat dan hujah masing-masing

Tetapi aku di sini yang berkata putus untuk melepaskan
Perit itu usah ditanya
Manakan tidak
Kononnya hati yang telah bertaut

Tetapi Allah itu Maha Tahu
Ajal. Maut. Jodoh. Pertemuan.

Kerana apa yang aku lakukan adalah untukNya
Kerana apa yang aku lakukan adalah demiNya

Hanya doa yang mampu aku terus panjatkan
Semoga Dia terus menjaga hatiku

Cinta itu

Hati ini tetap akan kembali kepada fitrah
Fitrah untuk mencari cinta agung Maha Pencipta
Aku mungkin masih tergapai dalam layaranku
Tetapi jujurnya aku masih mencari
Dan terus mencari

Di mana air mata yang dulunya rajin jatuh
Dedikasinya hanya untukMu
Kini seolah butiran air mata itu mulai segan
Untuk membasahi pipi

Aku masih mencari
Dan terus mencari
Bila sekeping hati ini akan disentuh lagi
Oleh peringatan-peringatanMu

Aku seolah tertidur untuk seketika
Biar banyak mana pun peringatan yang Kau hantarkan
Melalui segenap makhlukMu
Diriku seakan terhijab daripada tersedar
Bahawa Kau lah yang Maha Tinggi
Setinggi-tinggi nya

Ya Allah
Kau lah motivasiku

I'm Cool

Isn't it nice to have the room all to yourself, lying down on bed, ears plugged, with a paper and a pen in hand, writing. Classic. Except that I'm typing on the keyboard, nevertheless I'm still writing.

Pleasant Sunday.

I'm scheduled to go to the OT (Operation Theatre) tomorrow. Observing of course. Need to make my way to the hospital later to check out what cases are up for operation tomorrow. Do some readings.

It's the end of 1st week of my surgical posting. As always and expected, who wouldn't go blurry on first week? Let alone the first day. Those first time moments.

First time following ward rounds
First time seeing all sort of procedures
First time doing attachment at Klinik Pakar
First time entering OT
First time doing PE (Physical Examination) on real patients
First time attending scope clinic

Seniors and friends kept the advice coming. Motivating, encouraging, sharing. Thanks. It helps a lot. By the end of week one I'm pretty positive I'm getting better at squeezing myself in between people during ward rounds.

One specialist, 3 MOs, 4 HOs, 3 MSs. At least. Checking out one bed to another.

My skill on slipping into the cubicle curtains every time the doctors want to do PE or procedures on patients has also improved. It's not that they'll chase us out anyway. But yeah, muka memang kena tebal.

I'm still trying to grab the art of history taking and case presenting. I'm still trying to appreciate the abnormalities upon performing PE. These HOs they presented it all at one go, blurting all the vital infos without second thought. I feel stupid for a while. With all the medical terms and abbreviation. Then I realised all these whiles, I only speak English not Medical.

There are a lot that I need to catch up with, a lot I need to learn, a lot I need to improve.

Do I sound stressful? Nah I'm not. Maybe just a little bit, but I'm cool though.

I'm cool. Thanks.

Yusahhil lana, ya Allah.

As much as patients are afraid of needle. We are too.

Lost

We are all lost
Either we were once
Or we are still

We are all lost
Until we find Him

I'm constantly lost and later back on trail
In finding my way
Finding my purpose of life

Says who when you've found your way, you won't stray?
Immutable from the hitting storm of nihilism
Untouchable by the questing world lust

Because the journey is never straight
Divergence always awaits

It's Him who chose to let you get off track
And it's Him who chose to spare you back

I've once reminded what's my purpose of life
Sadly it has turned vague now
Keep it coming, keep it real
It's time for another dose of reminder

Lord. Guide. Me.

Bersama di syurga

Hati ini disapa kenangan-kenangan lalu. Kenangan-kenangan bersamamu. Memori tentangmu selalu sahaja singgah dibenak, tetapi entah mengapa kali ini datangnya itu terlalu deras, berpukal-pukal.

Aku merinduimu.

Seakan aku baru digigit realiti, untuk kita bertemu melepas rindu seperti dulu itu adalah sesuatu yang mustahil. Hanya berfikir tentangmu mampu membuat aku mengalirkan air mata. Hatiku sebak.

Aku terlalu merinduimu.

Hati tiba-tiba rindu pada yang sudah tiada.

Hidup ini hanya persinggahan. Tidak kekal. Aku tahu aku juga akan berkunjung ke sana. Tetapi aku terkesima. Apa mungkin untuk kita bertemu semula? Di alam yang lebih kekal. Malu untuk aku menyebutnya. Apa bisa kita ketemu semula di dalam syurga Allah?

Berbeza dengan sahabat-sahabat lain yang telah kehilangan saudara kandung, barangkali kerana aku belum pernah merasai kehilangan ahli keluarga yang terlalu dekat, jadi aku kurang merindui kematian. Ya. Merindui yang telah tiada itulah merindui kematian. Tidak begitu?

Engkau? Bukanlah sesiapa yang mempunyai pertalian darah denganku. Tetapi andai bisa ku gubahkan butir kata, siapalah engkau padaku, demi Allah aku mencintaimu.

Aku mencintaimu keranaNya.

Dari Anas bin Malik RA, “Ada seseorang yang bertanya kepada Nabi SAW tentang hari kiamat, “Kapankah kiamat datang?” Nabi SAW pun menjawab, “Apa yang telah engkau persiapkan untuk menghadapinya?” Orang itu menjawab, “Wahai Rasulullah, aku belum mempersiapkan shalat dan puasa yang banyak, hanya saja aku mencintai Allah dan Rasul-Nya SAW” Maka Rasulullah SAW pun bersabda, “Seseorang (di hari kiamat) akan bersama orang yang dicintainya, dan engkau akan bersama yang engkau cintai.” (HR. Imam Bukhari)

"....engkau akan bersama yang engkau cintai..."

Boleh jadi ini pertama kali aku bercita-cita sebegitu besar. Mampukah aku? Layakkah aku?

Astaghfirullah.

Tidak mengapa. Tiap-tiap Muslim memang perlu mengimpikan syurga Allah bukan? Untuk bersama-sama Rasulullah, ahli-ahli keluarga yang dikasihi, sahabat-sahabat sejihad. Dan engkau, engkau juga antara orang yang aku ingin bertemu kembali.

Akan terus ku titipkan doa buatmu.
Akan terus aku berusaha untuk pulangan yang terbaik di sana nanti.

Community Health posting and looking forward

9 weeks of Community Health posting. Now in week 7th. Week 8th is Raya Haji break aka mid semester break. Week 9th is end-of-posting exam.

Flashback 7 weeks ago, freshly walked out 2 months end-of-year 3 holiday. Freshly escaped from the smell of lemang and rendang during Eid, I was so glad I had CH posting first! Whilst another half of the class started to worry thinking about nightmares of meeting Mr. Ragu in HOSHAS and unexpected so-called high demanding patients in Ampang Hospital.

Tampin is a nice small town. Because dad is from Negeri Sembilan and I have relatives there anyway, maybe that was the reason why this heart didn't feel too heavy leaving Ampang to start a nomad life as a clinical student.

Community Health is considered a laid back posting, more relaxing compare to surgery or other disciplines. As I was unloading my luggages a few days ago at Sri Pandan, a senior saw me and we had a short chat.

'Banyaknya barang. Dari mana ni?'

'Baru balik dari Tampin sebenarnya'

'Oh baru balik dari bercuti la ni'

In Tampin, we live and do things like a boss.

CH posting has 2 main divisions;
1. Fulfilling all the attachments and visits
2. Conducting a research and organizing a health intervention day

And unofficially we added another; Jalan Time!

It's not always stress-free though, the atmosphere became tight and solemn when it comes to  meeting for almost every night discussing about research and 'decoding' statistical components using SPSS, worrying and thinking about back up plans when things went wrong with our surveys, dealing with a lot of people to raise funds and organize our health intervention day. Politicians, government agencies, public citizens. And that's about all. Other than that life is heaven!

Melaka Wonderland

True enough. Life in Tampin revolved around attachments at Pejabat Kesihatan Daerah, visits to all the clinics; Klinik Kanak-Kanak Keperluan Khas, Klinik Warga Emas, Klinik Desa, a week or so doing case study at Tampin Hospital, home visits. The rest of it we spent times going back and forth our research area.

If I were to enter data on our hours spent in Tampin into SPSS, computing output of variable with highest frequency would be

40% on the road
30% doing attachments
30% working on our research

The 40% on the road covers the to and fro journey from Tampin to our research area at FELDA Pasir Besar which is 45 minutes away, travelling from one small town to another to visit other Klinik Kesihatan or Klinik Desa, plus our Jalan Time to Melaka Wonderland, hunting for the best coconut shake in Melaka, lepaking at our friend's, and also wandering around Melaka to search for potential sponsorships.

Being in Tampin, reality struck me!

Malaysia is so hot! Gosh I missed Aussie! (only in winter heh)

Here, everyday is a free tanning session. Especially when things revolved around our fieldwork. Walking from houses to houses when the UV light is at its max! There was not a moment my transition glasses did not turn black when we were outside! My advice to dear surgery friends who'll start CH posting in another few weeks:

1) spare sunscreen in your bag
2) umbrella or a cap could be helpful
3) don't take for granted even though it's said that you'll only have questionnaire pretesting session, don't always expect it to be short and shady!

But don't worry guys, apart from your complexion would get a few tones darker, CH posting is fun!

Charcoal Mask

I missed my preclinical years. The eight to five schedule Monday to Friday. The same routine might bore me but the temperature makes me feel like I'd rather stay and sleep on campus not wanting to even step outside the building!

Our dean's office at level 13 holds the lowest temperature that's 16 degrees. And the rest of the floor stays at 22 degrees most. I missed my white fluffy sweater, something to cuddle underneath while taking a nap in the recreational room.

Comfy sofa in the recreational room

I missed my very own space in the lecture hall, my own locker to properly place all the textbooks.

In the clinical phase, the wards are generally where you should be in. Books? It's whatever you can fit into your white coat pocket.

Since we'll rarely be on campus, there's no usual lepaking place in the lecture hall like we used to have. Even stepping into the recreational room, the place is always filled with new faces I've never seen before. As if I'm a stranger. But somehow, some handsome looking juniors can brighten up my day.

I might have not yet experienced how bad it is being the low of the low in the ward (this reminds me how hard my surgery friends trying to cope), but imagine being a bimbo both at the hospital and campus. Ouch!

Nevertheless I believe clinical years will be awesome! And adventurous! And challenging! And maybe a little bit tiring! And torturing, a little bit mentally exhausting, and demoralizing. Erk.

I'm so anticipating to start my surgery posting! (Fingers crossed)

Ok. Maybe not so anticipating for now. But I'm pretty much sure I'll keep my fingers uncrossed in no time.

Sometimes I really need a smack in the head, a hard one! As a reminder that whatever I do, I do it for Him.

And they were not enjoined anything except that they should serve Allah, being sincere to Him in obedience, upright, and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, and that is the right religion {98:5}

I am too weak and small to survive the hereafter with my own effort. So I am hoping and begging that a little contribution I'd do as a Muslim doctor would be my best investment.

For those who're willing to read

Have you read all my entries for the trip? No? Well that's expected. I know people don't usually pay full attention on what I'm writing. You won't be reading line by line carefully unless you're in an attempt to stalk me or you actually admire me secretly. And very rarely you are undeniably a real fan of this blog. Other than that, I suppose 80% of readers just scrolled down this page only looking at the photos.

But anyway. Keep on scrolling down if that's the only thing you feel like doing and keep reading if that makes you happy. I might gonna write a long entry.

It has been more than a month since I last updated the blog. And there were a lot of things happening that I'm dying to write about. But surprisingly I didn't because certain things that happened really required me to pull myself together. So I guess distance, time, and space are the best way out. I found this formula helpful and applicable to a lot of things, even in blogging.

Writing has always been my passion. I started writing diaries when I was 9 and kept them going for years. When I read back all the pieces, it reminds me how big I've grown, how strong I've become, how far I've stepped.

Why did I choose to write and keep all the diaries? Well, what do you do if you have a lot to tell but no one to tell it to? You write. And I wrote them down carefully, each and every single things that happened without fail.

As time goes by, I noticed I am writing less than I usually do. Even though I do not write for a living but just a hobby, but not writing makes me feel like something's missing.

I know I don't write so great and blogger is the only place I have to pour all my thoughts and rattles. This blog is one of the best virtual hang out 'place' I love among other social networking sites.

Truth is there were times when I thought to myself that I should stop updating for a while. It's when writing doesn't serve up its purpose to me right. It hurts my pride when I'm not myself. When I need to hold back what I really wanted to write about just because I need to please what others expect me to write. It sucks writing but when I read it over again I feel fake! Because there are things that I need to be careful with so people won't judge me or bash me. It feels so plastic when I'm unable to write my way because I know a lot of people are watching and I'm afraid my flaws would show. Silly me.

It happened sometimes. And when it does I decided to be on hiatus. I don't wanna write to impress people. I don't wanna write to let people see how good I am preaching on these and that.

I write because it's what I grow up with; papers and a pen. Later they were all translated to words via keyboard. Whatever I write might not reflect me as a whole. But it does reflect me to a certain extent.

What do you do if you have a lot to tell but no one to tell it to? You write.

So I shall write for those who're willing to read.

Down Under Adventure #Epilogue - I am still here -

*wipe sweat*

At last am able to finish my entries. It has been 2 months since my trip to Australia. There are a lot of reasons why I can’t finish the posts very soon:

1.      Been busy with clinical posting

2.      The writing ‘spirit’ just won’t come

3.      Internet was slow

4.      Memories

 Now that I’ve passed my posting climax, I guess I’ve more free time to offer to my long-abandoned blog (despite the slow internet still).

In order to complete writing, I needed to go back clicking albums by albums. For 7 days trip to Aussie, let’s assume 200 pics were taken per day, and I collected at least photos from 6 cameras. Imagine how many photos there are.

I am never good with memories. I’d go tachycardic whenever I had flashback of things. Was it just me? Everytime I tried to, I can never scroll them down completely. I hate the longing feeling of something, somewhere or someone.

But I posted them all anyway. I wished I could post more pics, but sure I can’t. Too many of them! I wonder if people would still anticipate reading the posts or not. I kept telling myself that I can’t start blogging on other things unless I finished writing bout the trip. And since I’m over the busiest part of posting, why not.

For anyone out there who is still a fan of this blog, keep reading. Truth is I missed writing. I really do. Just that sometimes due to time constrain, well you know what I mean.

And I shall keep on writing.

Though I might not update often, but hey I am still here.

 

Down Under Adventure #7 – It’s time to leave –

 It was the day we’ll fly back to Malaysia. Nothing much happening. Luggages packed, went down for breakfast. Board our bus and off to the airport we went. Here’s the best part. Since they say we can’t convert Australian coins to Malaysian ringgit, so we collected all coins everybody have and spent them all for vending machine snacks and drinks!

bye bye Australia!

 Arrived in KL around 6pm and our USIM bus already waited for us.

Back to Glenview.

Unpacked.

The end.

Down Under Adventure #6 – Dolphin –

It was our second last day in Sydney. We were told to get ready and have breakfast earlier that usual because we’ll have a 3 hours journey next. Not a problem, never a problem to wake up and get ready early because I can always sleep on the bus.

Bald Hill. The scenery is spectacular. Though we did nothing but taking pictures, I guess that was enough to make everybody happy. His creation is amazing. Subhanallah.

Then off we went to Jervis Bay. Had lunch and take more pictures.

Pic of the day

Then we went for the dolphin cruise.

 The cruise was extremely exciting! That moment when the dolphins came swimming near our boat, it can’t be described with words. I can't stop smiling.

Down Under Adventure #5 – Sydney University Medical Faculty –

I shall say visiting Medical Faculty of Sydney University is one of the main aims why we came to Australia. But based on what I posted and all the places we went to, people could easily misunderstand we were on a vacation and not a study trip.

University of Sydney

 Had a briefing by one of the professors, sat down for a talk on bedside teaching manner, visited their clinical skill lab and then made our ways to Royal Prince Alfred Hospital.

Royal Prince Alfred Hospital

 Our written itinerary ended by afternoon and we were free onwards on that day. My friends went to walk around the city again. And this time I did follow them, but funny how I can’t remember where I went and even funnier I can’t track down any photos of what happened later that afternoon.