surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness

surrounded by crowds doesn't chase away literal loneliness
dear lord embrace me with your blessings


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Love for mum and dad

These days, seems like my eyes easily got moist whenever I talk family. I figured out that the more years I've lived, the more I became attached to the bond; the blood bond. The more I realized, family comes first, how the love of family Allah sent to you keeps you going in life, how important they are.

Not to say I am a bad daughter. But we've all had been a bad daughter/son if not many times, once. Try to recall your memories. Even if we're not that rebellious teen type, think of how much mess we'd caused when we were babies.

A few days ago, I had a little conversation with my sister;

Sis Addie: Just now mum talks about you during dinner
Me: Really? What did mum said?
Sis Addie: Mum said you were such a brave girl last time
Me: Last time? When I was little?
Sis Addie: Yes. And when you were schooling. You've grown up to be patient
Me: I can't remember particular memories that were significant, but sure mum sees it from different views than I do...
Sis Addie: Mum knows best remember. Perhaps you're just losing grip but don't worry you'll get back to track. It's just a matter of time

'You've grown up to be patient'
I swear I cried knowing these words came from mum.
One. It made me realized that mum, always watch me grow, she sees me growing. And she sees it from a different angle, from the eyes of a mother.
Two. It made me realized that I've grown this much and, what have I done to my mum to thank her.

Suddenly emotions filled my head. I have lived for 21 years and just noticed that very little time did I spent with my parents. I enrolled into a boarding school for 5 years. Only come home during school holidays. Then I got myself to USIM, foundation and 1st degree now. Only come home during semester break. This hits me hard.

I wonder if they've missed to see me growing in front of their eyes. And eventhough I rarely tell mum all my problems, but all in all, I know mum would always pray the best for me. And I believe of all these years, mum does see me growing into human.

I wonder if a few days ago when my sister told me this, did my mum actually missed me? I'm a terrible daughter, I just realized I haven't gave mum a phone call for a long time.

I wonder if mum and dad feel lonely. At the moment, all of us kids are away, studying or working. Thank Allah Sis Addie lives with my parents (her workplace is within driving distance). But what if mum feels lonely when she has no one to talk to?

I forgot that mum and dad is also growing old. Even though mum is still busy working as a teacher and dad is busy with his little business, I am too busy and too selfish studying here. Little that I have in mind to go home over the weekend, though Johor is just 3 hours away. Keep thinking I'm busy with activities and all.

I have 3 years more to go before I graduated, till then I can't really be home everyday. I have 3 years to go before I graduated, till then I still don't have proper income to give to my parents. So the best I can give is to make du'a for them. Lots and lots of du'a.

Dear mak and abah,

I'm sorry I can't always be by your side, if you're lonely and when you need someone to talk to.
I'm sorry I can't come home that often.
I'm sorry that even if I'm home, I didn't really put a lot of effort to make up all the years we've missed when I was in boarding school and when I'm still studying now.
But please stay in good health, until after I graduated, so I can move in back into the house, and live together like when I was in primary school.
Please stay in good health, until after I graduated, so I can buy you nice things.

your daughter, Za

Dear Allah, please take good care of my parents for me. You're the one and only who can take care of them best.

left row from top; along, kak ngah, kak addie. right row from top; as, me, didin


aziey nasrudin said...

i swear i cried a river after reading this. i'm sorry for being 'selfish' too...too selfish..i love u with all my heart dear friend.. :'(

Zawani Zainudin said...

Thanks aziey. I love you too.. So much.

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