Ain't vanity

Setiap tawa

Setiap kerlingan mata

Setiap senyuman punya asbab tersendiri

Setiap bait kata punya potensi dan toleransi

Setiap raut wajah punya rahsia yang tersisip rapi

Setiap titis air mata punya nilaian peribadi

Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Sungguh.

Aku sekadar hamba yang boleh meneka atau cuba memahami.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Alhamdulillah. Berakhir sesi yang panjang.

Pelbagai ayat yang berlegar di minda sejak petang tadi, tetapi semuanya dalam bahasa kedua. Aku bercadang mengguna bahasa ibunda, agar entri ini lebih dramatik. Mungkin.

Persis arena perdebatan, untuk menggambarkan sedikit sebanyak keadaan di Ibnu Sina petang tadi. Setelah pembentangan perkara utama selesai, timbul persoalan-persoalan yang dikemukan oleh beberapa pihak. Berhujahlah beberapa individu, meminta justifikasi daripada pihak yang lain tentang perkara tertentu. Nak dijadikan cerita, individu yang berhujah tadi majoriti adalah pendebat universiti. Kebetulan mungkin. Atau mereka memang lahir dengan bakat untuk berfikir secara kritikal dan berani bersuara secara lantang.

Sebagai salah seorang pendebat universiti, aku juga sedikit tercabar. Tetapi sukar untuk aku membuat analisa mengapa aku tidak bangkit untuk membidas atau sekurang-kurangnya menjawab persoalan yang dilontarkan. Barangkali aku khuatir hujahku adalah dalam bahasa kedua dan mungkin sukar difahami oleh majoriti dengan tepat. Atau aku sudah lama tidak berdebat, dan skil sudah berkarat. Atau mungkin aku memang ditakdirkan mempunyai jari-jemari yang lebih laju sambungannya dengan otak berbanding lidah. Justeru aku lebih selesa menulis, dan menaip. Dan mungkin juga aku bimbang pipi ini gagal untuk kekal kering jika aku memilih untuk berkata-kata.

Anggaplah penulisan aku kali ini sebagai coretan jalanan, sekadar menyedapkan hati sendiri. Tidak berniat untuk memanjangkan isu.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Bahan bacaan yang bagus. Sekadar selingan.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

I can’t do this anymore. I kept wondering what’s the word called in malay to translate things. Let me just continue in English.

Women are born with extra emotion than men. That’s a fact. If emotion is a bit too overboard and exaggerated, let’s use the word sensitive. The definition of sensitive in physics; registering even a slight change of a condition. The more sensitive an instrument, the smaller change it can detect. Women are sensitive, in a way that even if one is slightly higher than another because of a new pair of shoes then we’re able to detect it. Because we’re sensitive, even small things should be taken into account. Who should I go shopping with, who should I eat with, who should we tell things to.

The decision that we made, we considered two big elements in it; professionalism and emotion. My opinion, why should we sacrifice either when we can save both?

We can pretty much share the working environment with everybody, the professional atmosphere. But when it comes to the emotion, it’s almost impossible to share emotions with everybody equally. Maybe guys don’t see the significant because guys don’t share things as much, as frequent as girls do. We talk about EVERYTHING in case you don’t know.

Housemanship and clinical years are two completely different settings. We all know housemanship is the working phase, after graduation. It’s not strange to be separated. Why choose to separate earlier during clinical when we can still enjoy the campus life.

Talking bout getting ourselves used to being independent, apart from the environment, it needs skills too. Up to an individual how to polish the communication skill. And personally at this level, we surely need suitable people to offer moral and emotional support. When our emotions are good, then we're all good.

Getting to know each other, we’re constantly doing it. But personally I think, knowing people doesn’t mean you’ll end up close with them. We’re just fine with each other. But believe me, there are some who’ll still feel inferior with others. I’m talking based on experience.

One more thing, asking a justification why we fought so much to save the emotion, it’s like asking us why we’re born with fertilized karyotype 46XX. That’s just how we are.

Oh well. There you go, just my 2 cents.

Anyway, hopefully things are really settled.

Ps: Not to make things complicated. Just that I love writing.

Pss: But hey, no heart feelings eh. I'm all good. Hope everyone's all good too :)

Psss: Alhamdulillah

i love you

The other day during our round table, wallahi I had overwhelming thoughts in my head, that I wish I could spill them all out. But there are 2 things that hold me back, limit me 1) time and 2) tears.

When I said, truth is there are many times I felt like I wanna give up on you girls.

It’s not because any of your faults. It’s my fault instead.

The time I felt like giving up on you girls was the time when I’m at my lowest.

Those are the times when I forgot that the relationship that we have is because of Allah.

There are times when I feel so close to Him. And there are times when I feel so far away for Him.

And I guess, the time when I’m far from Him becomes the main reason why I’m far away from people around me.

Starting to hate, backbite, and hurt others.

Forgive me.

I’m never that good in expressing myself.

There are things that I wish I could speak directly to each and every one of you, instead of writing them on blog, twitter or facebook.

But my intentions were never to hurt anyone.

And I’m sorry if I did.

Deeply sorry.

this is dedicated to my girls, all 29 of you

sometimes i just acted too weird

sometimes i could be scary

i may seem like a pervert

maybe i'm a bit too unpredictable

one time i seemed too fragile not knowing what to do

and another minute i was up to any task i was assigned to so independently

if i were given a chance

i would, i could

look into each and everyone of you in the eyes

just look and smile

if so happen i looked at you and smile without saying a word

it's my very own way to say

'i love you, and i am glad to have you here'

 

Ps: I know someof us are temporarily in a little conflict. It cut me deep seeing people getting hurt here and there. It cut me deep seeing anyone thinking bad bout others. I’m sorry for what I’ve done wrong. All I wanna have is one thing called ukhuwah fillah. Sincerely.

Pss: Tried to clear things up. But guess I’m no superwoman, and perhaps I made things worse. Maybe. Maybe I’ve hurt a lot of people because I’m not used to having anyone being close to me. I’ve always been by myself. Not belonged. Neglected.

Psss: I’m not perfect. That’s lame. But that’s a fact. Forgive me.

Pssss: ahh… tears…

Me against the world

Spinning, I wasn't sure
Was it me
Or was it the world around
So I fell on the ground
And the soul too
I can feel the warm earth underneath
I close my eyes
Neither living nor dying
Secretly I pray for hope to arrive

I wonder what I've missed

At times like this

It’s when I missed writing the most.

Missed reading novels of my favorite authors the most.

Missed watching Jdramas of my favorite actors the most.

Missed and keep missing.

For the passed few months I’ve decided to ditch all the excessive entertainment I used to have claiming I should focus on studying (which I done none) and now, I think I’ve missed both.

I’m losing it all.

Study. Family. Friends. Love.

I can’t get the best out of them.

I can’t get a hold of them.

I’m losing them all.

Pathetic.

Compilation

 

Case file 1

You used to listen to me. Back then. Way back before you start telling stories of your own. I listened to you. But I think I've lost you now.

You're expressing yourself knowing people still love you for who you are.

Me? I don't express much for I don't want them to leave for seeing the sides of me they don't know.

Case file 2

If you don't wanna walk beside me then fine. Walk behind me. Because I walk very fast.

I leaned on you too much. Depended on you too much. Though actually I'm better off alone. You've turned into a burden now.

Knowing you're there, the reason why I let my guard down. Because I know if I cry, you'd offer your shoulder and you'd wipe my tears.

I'm too naive to believe that you'll always be there for me. When apparently you're just like everybody else, you can't really be there.

So I've figured out. You're the reason why I've turned fragile. I'm less independent. So I've decided to remove you from my life.

Don't worry. We're no enemies. Just that, I won't find you that often anymore, won't tell much anymore, won't come to you crying anymore.

I won't be the stone-heart one. Just that I'm doing things on my own. We should be ok though. Let's exchange smiles once in a while.

Case file 3

And tell me why I got personal. I thought I'm over you.

It's been 2 months now. Yea. I do track down the calendar once in a while.

Just so you know. I'll wait. I'll wait. But you won't know certainly.

Of the same reason. I can smile. I can be sad. But of different times and places.

I don't know what should I do with you. I don't know what to do with myself either.

The emotion stays. Apparently. Yea. Got suppressed one time. Might recurrent in another.

Case file 4

I'm detaching myself from the world. Your world. Will keep you guys inside the glass room. Don't worry, I'll keep watching from the outside.

Time is all i need. Then I'll be well. I'll be fine. I need time to digest things, to interpret. To decide what's good for me & what's not.

I appreciate all your effort. But I need time for myself too. That's how it always has been. An outsider is just like an invader.

You claimed those as fun and excitement while I prefer to curl into a ball on bed. I don't mind even if I missed your 'so-called' fun.

Have fun is essential, serious is important too. Be moderate. Not too serious, but not too reckless and not too carefree as well.

Being serious in doing things doesn't necessary mean aiming for perfection. It's all about determination.

Tired of squeezing myself between you people. It's time for me to entertain time of my own. It's easier for me to shine.

Don't try to be concern bout me, and asking me things out of being casual. You wouldn't stay anyway. So don't expect me to be that bold.

Case file 5

Being different because you're too ego to mix around with typical people? Nah I don't read minds, just guessing.

Seems like it's you who started the war between our atmospheres. Me? I never did really touch you physically not even emotionally.

That so-called (your) 'war' was never my intention. My pride, I hold on to not hating you and keeping a safe distance away from you.

And btw in case you're wondering, the safe distance is because I don't wanna keep intact in hatred vibe you emitted. Because I don't wanna get ugly.

I'm staying firm; I'm holding on to my pride that is to not hate you or other people unless they're disgracing Allah and Rasulullah (pbuh).

Case file 6

Truth is. I can see those who've hold on for so long. Those who've tried hard to be strong. Nope. I don't read minds. Because I am too.

Want me to be truth? Act truth? Tell truth? First question yourself whether you're able to handle it.

There are things that i don't wanna talk about. But i do think about it a lot.

I don't need many of the laughter, because I can't keep up. I'm new around here, if sharing laughter is still awkward, smile is enough.

So when I'm serious, that's not because I'm a perfectionist. But I just wanna do things properly so there would be no regret after.

*source: my twitter account*