Give a damn

Salam and hi!

Trying to start writing again and trying to be myself as much as I could are two different things. And these two different things are so hard to do, be it in the same occasion or even if it's mutually exclusive.

I started writing diary since I was 9 and I find it thrilling to have one secret book and write anything you want in it. How you feel, what you wanna do. When I was younger, I want to keep the book all to myself. I would rather die than having anybody at all reading my diary. But as I grow older, I have this feeling that I wish I can share what I wrote about.

I don't know, probably because the burden of being an adult is that proportionally with age our problems get bigger too. That you can no longer keep them all to yourself. Only the problem about sharing problem with people is the mutual interest. You can't just walk up to someone and expect them to accept you and your problems. So I stick to writing. Instead of just writing a diary, maybe I should make a post or two about how I feel. Having in mind if anybody at all does care, (s)he will read them and know.

Then came this dilemma. Can I just write about how I feel, writing freely and laying the broken me in the form of words and let people read it. Is that the right thing to do? Still. Not many would understand.

[typing and deleting many many times]

I still need to get used to start writing and being myself.

Footnotes.

Talking to people about your problems has greater impact than just write and hoping people would read (painful truth is that nobody gives a damn). That if you need help, I'm afraid the latter will further break your heart (at least it is in my case).

Amount of speech not congruent to the thought

Salam and hi!

What makes you who you are today? It's multifactorial. What you have gone through since the day you were born until the day you're still breathing today, everything must have taught you lessons; lesson of life.

These lessons of life are often informal, it comes spontaneously, unexpectedly. Which in some cases, if one failed to learn it'll just pass as another annoying or frustrating event of life. And the perk of experiencing be it the good, the bad or the ugly occasions is that it makes your life dynamic. It changes how you think, how you treat people, how you see things, how you would respond to the same thing differently or even how to overcome new things.

Apart of what I have gone through, my decisions of who or what I wanna be too, became what made me who I am.

There are (or were I am not sure) three main personal factors that make me who I am. That if I have all three, I can proudly say I am being myself, I'm not being someone else and this is me.

The me who thinks and be thoughtful

The me who is able to talk about her thoughts

The me who is able to write about her thoughts

Honestly, I will naturally think a lot. I guess this is nothing new, we all do. And I love to talk (originally) and I love to write. Talking about the dynamics of life affected by all the experiences you gone through and decisions you made (in this case what I've gone through and what I made) I find as if it's better for me to not talk and to restrict my writing (which later I find it wrong).

Since I've explained the reason why I stopped writing in my previous two post, this post will reveal why I decide to stop public speaking and talking to other people as in general.

I used to be a debater and I enjoyed my years as one. I started as early as when I was 14 and it lasted throughout high school, pre-university and the first two years of MBBS. Later I find my interest changed. I decided to stop debating for a lot of complicated reasons.

1. Joining tournaments consumed a lot of my days. Some days I had to miss one whole week of lectures

2. I am not really a bright student and I feel bad for myself for skipping lectures

3. I am the only one in the whole class (of 57 students) who joined the English debate team (we have Arabic and Malay debaters though but I guess they don't have as many tournament). Things get hard if you don't have people with the same interest especially when you need to skip a lot of classes

4. Being the only debater in class also means I don't have anyone to practice with. Number one because majority of my classmates do not speak English as communication medium extensively and number two because I don't really have friends

5. Having no friends adds up to the stress of not having moral and mental supports everytime I'm joining tournaments

6. Lack of practice made my debating skill rusty. Rusty debate skill made me feel intimidated to join more tournaments

7. And the vicious cycle starts and continues

Hence bring me to a decision to stop debating. Which is sad. Stopped debating also means losing the only talking friends I probably have. Next thing I figured, I've stopped talking and giving speech in a drastic manner.

Thinking and talking is closely interrelated. You talk about what you think about. Whilst talking makes your brain keeps working and processing about what you should speak next. This cycle is what makes you speech fluent. That's why practice is very important for public speaking. As my public speaking activity ceased and what more not having regular friends to talk to even in regular basis, I feel as if my brain is dying!

Not being able to do what you love is indeed frustrating and sad. And in this case, it is not based on my personal decision primarily, but rather after taking into account and considering a few other factors. My confidence level is deteriorating these days.

And that's how I've lost the me I was. I'm hoping I can find her soon.

Footnotes.

Being in places that don't make you feel belonged sometimes makes you wonder are you at the right place, being with the right people, and making the right decision.

Finding the missing part of me

Reason to cry

Salam and hi!

Everybody cries.

But not everybody cries for the same reason.

A small matter to you might be big for other people and what appears a big deal to you might not be important to them.

Hence the conclusion.

1) everybody struggles. In different things, differently

2) be sensitive

Footnotes.
I guess smartphones and gadgets has desensitized people from their surrounding, making them less sensitive and ignorant.

Hope next time I can put up pics from my personal collection

I really should start writing again

Salam and hi!

So I haven't been updating for months now. But I guess I can't be giving the same excuse this time, as I did like gazilion times before which was I've been busy with studies. Because truth is, I never was (I'm not a typical medical student and I don't study that hard and that much).

I've taken a damned long break from writing and there are a lot of reasons why.

1) I've lost interest in writing
2) I've no idea as of what to write about
3) A lot of my friends have been shutting down their blogs (they had!) because I don't know maybe Twitter and tumblr is more popular now
4) Do I even have loyal readers still?
5) I thought I should stop lingering on the net and take studies more seriously now (which I know will never work because I apparently only study whenever I feel like it)
6) I'm tired of being myself and write what I Iove about and eventually being judged because of it
7) Or I can't even find myself through writing anymore because I could only write what pleases people and a big chunk of my thoughts need to be cropped and filtered before I could actually publish them simply because I don't want people to judge me
8) I don't want people to judge me from my reckless posts
9) So I need to take months off and reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. To neutralize myself before starting to write again
10) A few points are interrelated

And after giving a long thought about it, at last a decision is made. That I will start writing again!

That's me on my Twitter a few hours ago

Actually there are 2 major and 1 minor reasons why I wanted to start writing again. 

Major reason number one is because I'm getting worse in expressing myself verbally. Not primarily because I don't talk to people. But rather it's because I don't talk to people secondary to people not listening to me. And it hurts so bad not having someone to talk to. I was almost psychotic trying to bottle everything inside so I guess the best way is to let them out in a different way read:writing. Something I thought I'm quite okay at (if not good).

Major reason number two is *drumrolls* because of a guy. Well gender probably is not the main point here. I accidentally 'bumped' into this one blog virtually, and reading it makes me wanna write again. Honestly I've came across a lot of good writers before (be it non-fictional books, novels or blogs) but this one, made me missed the old me so much. I felt so connected with one of his particular post.

The particular blogpost that moved me

   
This blog belongs to Redza Minhat. The one some of us (if not all) knows as an actor and probably not many of us knows as an investment analyst. What probably only I know is that he is one of MCKK's oldboys! (again that is not the main point).

I figured that the main reason why I almost gave up writing is because I wasn't being myself. Instead of writing about what matters to me, I write about what matters to other people instead. I write just to please people. To make people happy (which in the end took its toll on me because you can't please everybody!) I fear of people judging me for instance if I use the 'F' word. Of course that's just one of the many examples. I'm tired being a good girl just because people expect me to. I don't have that many friends while being a good girl now it won't differ much if I am a b*tch anyway.

Back to the main issue. So the one minor reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I probably have a lot of time to kill. Now this is the tricky part.

I am a medical student yes.
I am only a year and a few months away from my final MBBS exam yes.
I do have a lot of subjects to study yes.
I should use most of my time studying instead of doing something else yes.
But I only study whenever I feel like it.
Hence explains why I claimed to have a lot of time to kill.
So there.

Footnotes.
Redza wrote 'hear,hear' at every end of his post. Does that means he was once a debater too? I like!