Retrospective attempt

I remember not long ago I told myself that I would never post anything about my personal life, two years ago to be exact (or three). Instead I would write about mushy melancholic poems, some street masterpiece of whatever that crossed my mind. Lines by lines and pharaghraphs of written thoughts nobody can decode. After years now, I feel like I would change my mind. I need to at least write something about what I do. Well after all, campus life, friends, studies are not quite personal are they?

The only three posts I had on my clinical life were during my Community Health, General Surgery, and Internal Medicine rotations. Afterward I stopped. Don’t talk about time, I would always find sometime if I really wanted to write. More important reason why I don’t update entries further related to my clinical life is because I just don’t feel like it. Everytime I brought myself to hangout longer typing on my keyboard to update the blog, there’s always an unexplained feeling clouding my head. I can’t think straight and I just feel like lying on bed. Nobody’s at fault, it’s just that lately I’m trying hard to cope with my ever stormy emotions; the crying spell, the feeling of worthlessness, the suicidal thoughts, and the helplessness. Ahh well, I’m fine now. Don’t worry.

I’ve officially ended my 4^th year and am now having my own sweet time enjoying holidays and celebrating Ramadhan at home. Couple of months ago I had my Obstetrics and Gynecology, Forensic Medicine, Entrepreneurship and General Practice postings. I would love to write about each and every one of them here. But I guess there’s not much memory left in my head. I’ll try though. Let’s walk down the memory lane for a bit.

The truth is, I hate walking down the memory lane. I hate to be reminded of the past. Bitter or sweet, memories are all past tense. And whoever gets too attached to the past will later get entangled by them and strangled until their emotions left suffocated. So yeah, I’m never that good with memories.

But anyway, I shouldn’t get too emotional. I’ll start gathering some flashback and retrospective thoughts of what actually happened a few months ago and I shall write them down. Pictures. There are a lot of pictures to help me remember them all.

I’ll keep those entries coming.

Currently addicted to #3

Save you from yourself.

I could hardly admit this as an addiction. But when it’s on your playlist replayed 24/7 back to back, maybe it is. It’s not just the melody, but the message.

I can’t seem to figure what this song is about at first. Not until 0:43

And you should probably stick longer too.

Strangely I feel related.

My eyes were moist with tears to even imagine if he’s gonna cut himself.

Don’t please.

Don’t cut.

Whatever it is hold on stronger please.

Nobody can feel the empathy of an individual who’s at the edge of suicide.

Whatever they’re thinking.

The helplessness.

Unless you’ve been there.

Or done that.

This is cliché but…

No one’s able to save you from yourself but you.

So keep going.

Stay alive and stay strong.

The other side

You're like the other side of me.

The part of me no one else ever knew about.

You're the part of me no one ever knew existed.

You're the mysterious part of me.

I even wonder if I'm myself when I'm with you.

Or it's merely just an escape from the other world I'm living.

I wonder if I'm ready to merge the two worlds or just live in either.

I'm not sure if I will ever choose to ditch the world I'm currenty in just to be with you.

I can't even tell if you're for real.

But fair enough to know that you're not a part of fantasy.

I don't really know where do I belong.

Here with everybody else.

Or there with you.

Or do I?

Crawling

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
Confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Discomfort
Endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting
Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

It's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again

My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

-Crawling, Linkin Park-