Catching up

I miss this feeling; the feeling of taking my own sweet time, writing, pondering. With playlist of my favourite songs in the background (though I have to admit having background songs can easily get your mind drifted, I have to keep my mind on track over again but I don't mind because I have a lot of time to kill now).

Now let's catch up from where we left off.

I finished my med school

And I am also a wife now!

However we are in a long distance relationship at the moment until early next year. That's about 6 months to go. Words cannot sum up how I feel. But yeah, we're coping thanks to technology. But nothing feels as good as having your loved one next to you.

By finishing med school, that also means I am jobless right now. There are a lot of procedures to settle before getting a placement (with rumour about overproduction of med school graduates) I don't know how long the process will take.

It has been about 2 months plus a few weeks after I finished undergrad. I spent a month preparing for my wedding, and the next for honeymoon; the only honeymoon before being a long distance couple.

It doesn't feel so right being a couch potato the whole time, scrolling down social medias. Now that I have plenty of time, I thought why not try to write a little. Just to past time. Okay fine, blog is also a type of social media, but writing used to be my passion, So I'm trying to dig whatever that's left of that.

Wish me luck!

Some things have changed

Yesterday I had a conversation with a close friend. I asked her whether she thought I’ve changed. She smiled and looked at me. she always takes extra time to voice out opinions (especially if it’s about me!), but instead of nagging her, I paused and continued talking.

-          Don’t you think we haven’t been talking much to each other lately?

She smiled again, this time agreeing. I knew she was not gonna say anything at this point anyway.

For the past months all we had was minimal conversation, saying hi to each other and continued being busy. I used to have long heart-to-heart session with her and all ended up with teary eyes. I had a real tough time a few years back and she always listen.

We’re good now, it’s just that we’ve stopped talking like how we used to. I came to think whether it’s because I am way happier now or the fact that I already found my significant other (and spending more time with him).

But no. I guess it’s just me.

Because being emotionally involved in anything is tiring. And we both know how consumed I am especially when I started to talk about what I feel. I’m exhausted of overthinking and my eyes are weary of crying. So I’m taking a break. Taking my own time. Alone.

That was what I told her. And she smiled again.

She always listens.

Soul searching

Apart from reading, writing is something I consider very close to me. Buy sadly I can hardly find time for both now. I remember back in high school, back in the old days where entertainment was very limited (I enrolled a boarding school in a small but decent town down south) I would borrow books from our school library back to back every 3 days. I kinda literally read every novels exist in the library, regardless of genre and author. Because with such a limited access to printed materials, you need to make do with whatever you have. But still, I enjoyed every page. I remember screaming along reading the suspense and panicky plot, sob when it comes to farewell and goodbyes or death, laugh hard my tummy hurts for its humour, and even scared to go to the bathroom alone at 3 o'clock in the morning, for what I read really gets into me. I was emotional and so attached to every books I read. Well this was 10 years back we're talking about. I miss those feelings; where we can escape anywhere we want by just reading, we can have wild imaginations without boundaries by just reading. I still do now actually; that when I read, I became too engrossed that I forgot everything else around me. But this feeling does not come too often now. It's multifactorial really. But I couldn't figure exactly what. Maybe because I was too busy that I rarely read, or the beeping smartphone kept bugging me and inhibit me from reaching emotional orgasm, or I was simply lost. I've been losing myself that I am struggling to collect back memories of what used to be me.

Writing, on the other hand, is no doubt very me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at things I only write when I'm at my lowest, or when I'm in love (but let's stick to the former). Because I am such a lazy bum to do intellectual writing where you need to do research a lot and be analytical about it before writing about your opinion on stuff. I am more of a soul writer (if that term ever exist) yes I write for the soul. My soul and everybody else whoever feels connected to my pieces. Maybe that's why I don't (or can't) write too often; because these inspiration don't come often. It usually comes at 3 o'clock in the morning (that's already twice 3 o'clock in the same writing) where I usually was already knocked unconscious in my deep sleep. Or when the inspiration came, it's when I have a few hours left before submitting assignments or when I'm on the verge of a very important exams.

Soul searching is a continuous struggle whether you realize it or not. We all might get distracted with our everyday routines, but at one point we will all ponder on the same thing over and over again. Who am I? Who I wanna be? Am I happy doing what I'm doing?

And my soul searching journey continues.
Good luck with yours!