On getting exam moods

The moment I opened my mouth, I knew it he was not gonna go easy on me

That was what I thought at the beginning of my case presentation and I thought right. He was not gonna go easy on me. The doctor I mean.

Since I haven’t been updating very frequently here (despite some emo post that probably no one ever understand about) to those who weren’t catching up I am currently doing my Internal Medicine rotation. This is already week 8 and week 9 that is next week is gonna be my end of posting exam.

Back to my case presentation; the thing about us medical student is we always wanted an overly impossible fantastic case to present. Pneumonia? Asthma? COPD? Diabetes Mellitus? Hypertension? Heart failure? Nah those are all too mainstream. We want poorly rehabilitated post-stroke patient with limb weakness complicated by hypoglycemia due to uncontrolled diabetes. We want recurrent angina in a patient of a known case of atrial fibrillation complicated by toxic goiter with an undiagnosed cardiac failure. We want a patient with spontaneous bacterial peritonitis whom a known case gross ascites secondary to cirrhotic liver disease with history of oesophageal varices banding done and currently developing hepatic encephalopathy apart from having uncontrolled diabetes and not compliance to medication.

Those fancy cases. I doubt I even know how to diagnose hypertension and cardiac failure yet. Let alone to assess the whole diabetes mellitus complication. Or the bronchial asthma control.

Exam in another few days.

It’s ironic how I’d always find my writing mood comes at an inappropriate time. In fact most of my mood came at the wrong time.

I opened a large bag of chips and chilling in front of my laptop not on Friday night, but Friday morning.

I was all pumped out to clean up my room and do laundry on Monday morning.

I feel like updating this blog just when exam is a few days away though most of other days I was pretty much not occupied.

To conclude my Internal Medicine posting so far

 There. Good luck for exam guys.

Oh and girls.

I cannot reach you

It's funny how at one point, you've loved someone more than words could ever say. And you can never say it to them anymore. It sucks how after all these whiles then only you noticed you've been taking them for granted. Things have gone too comfortable that you thought nothing is suppose to be done to express it.

Worse is when they're just right next to you all the time but you're unable to reach them anymore.
And when that happened you know all you can do is look at them. Hoping they would notice this loneliness in your eyes that longs for attention.

At this point it was not funny anymore. It's heartbreaking.

I wonder if I've stopped trying.

Cold

It's so silent here
That I can hear the fan spins above
The water boils inside the kettle
Fine pops of cereal submerged in a bowl of milk
The sound of raindrops

The rain
It does not always rain here
When it rains I feel cold

But you
You're cold though it's not raining

I wonder if you would realize that
I wonder if you even notice me

Conversion and Conservation

I remembered learning this in Physics a few years ago. The law of energy conservation. The energy is never lost and wasted. They're just converted into another form of energy. Like the potential energy you used to knock the door, is transmitted across matter and particles causing vibration and converted into sound energy. Maybe that's how it works, I barely remember. But that's about it.

Every other things are the form of another. Nothing is really wasted.

I went for a jog and saw some leaves on a tree eaten by caterpillars. They're full of holes with bitten lesions, the leaves I mean. You might think the leaves are wasted. There's no way it could return into its old original pattern but to stay as it is now or wilt. But to look at it on the other hand, that caterpillar gets to eat, grow, live, and maintain the ecosystem. So that part of missing little bits of leave is actually never lost. It is safe within the caterpillar, inside it.

To think that those leaves have already served their purpose as in to feed the caterpillars (apart from providing us oxygen), if they can really talk they would probably have said 'I am happy seeing the caterpillar happy'.

Many things in life, when it happened you can't always have it both ways.
Our loss could be someone else's gain.
Our happiness could be someone else's grief.

But there's always one thing we tend to forgot.
This life isn't suppose to be fair.
You wanna know which life is?
It's the hereafter.

We always hear this 'things happened for a reason'
And it's true.

Have you found the purpose of your life yet?

because nothing lasts forever